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How Twitter Is Trying To Retain Users

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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How Twitter Is Trying To Retain Users

Twitter’s stock price has fallen in recent months amid growing concerns that the microblogging site is losing steam among users and having trouble finding a mainstream audience. Here are some ways the social network is planning to stay relevant, competitive, and attractive to new members:

  • Site to be made more PalmPilot-friendly
  • Racial slurs no longer factored into available number of characters
  • Removing cumbersome password protection to help users sign into their accounts quickly and easily
  • Getting a few celebrities to use Twitter
  • 400 new followers gifted to anyone who doesn’t openly make the internet worse with every tweet
  • More powerful content delivery engine that allows users to tweet up to 5,000 times a second
  • The date users wished they had never joined Twitter now displayed alongside biographical information and location
  • Twitter employees encouraging family members to sign up
  • Users can now share Excel spreadsheets
  • Improving Twitter feeds by removing all exposure to thoughts and opinions of others

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