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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

U.S. News & World Report published its influential annual list of the nation’s best colleges earlier this month, with Princeton University topping the 2014 rankings. Here is a behind-the-scenes look at the methods and metrics used by the magazine:

  • Step 1: Schools are weighed on a scale
  • Step 2: Researchers calculate each campus’ student-to-student ratio
  • Step 3: Any college whose colors are maroon and gold is immediately eliminated
  • Step 4: Analysts aggregate incoming freshmen’s SAT, ACT, and COWFACTS test scores
  • Step 5: Number of library books probably factors in somewhere around here
  • Step 6: Quick visit to colleges to see who has “We Love U.S. News & World Report” banners up
  • Step 7: ((Average class size)(Quads per student)) / ((Out-of-state tuition)(Number of West African fusion dance troupes)) + (Nobel Prize winning faculty members - Number of meal plan options)^Number of nicknames for dining hall
  • Step 8: Data are meticulously triple-checked and corrected as necessary to ensure that you say “This is complete bullshit” when you see your school’s rank

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