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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

U.S. News & World Report published its influential annual list of the nation’s best colleges earlier this month, with Princeton University topping the 2014 rankings. Here is a behind-the-scenes look at the methods and metrics used by the magazine:

  • Step 1: Schools are weighed on a scale
  • Step 2: Researchers calculate each campus’ student-to-student ratio
  • Step 3: Any college whose colors are maroon and gold is immediately eliminated
  • Step 4: Analysts aggregate incoming freshmen’s SAT, ACT, and COWFACTS test scores
  • Step 5: Number of library books probably factors in somewhere around here
  • Step 6: Quick visit to colleges to see who has “We Love U.S. News & World Report” banners up
  • Step 7: ((Average class size)(Quads per student)) / ((Out-of-state tuition)(Number of West African fusion dance troupes)) + (Nobel Prize winning faculty members - Number of meal plan options)^Number of nicknames for dining hall
  • Step 8: Data are meticulously triple-checked and corrected as necessary to ensure that you say “This is complete bullshit” when you see your school’s rank

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