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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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How Virtual Reality Will Change Our Lives

Here are some potential ways that Oculus Rift and other virtual reality technologies will affect our lives.

  • Pornography: New 360-degree pornographic films will allow viewers to pan all around the bed and across the room to where cameramen and boom mic operators are standing
  • Education: Students will have access to wealth of new interactive visual aids that won’t be updated for the next 50 years
  • Business: Provides another medium that CEO won’t understand but will demand be wedged into the new marketing campaign by June
  • VR Industry: Potential to see moderate growth in this sector
  • Tourism: Could very well grind to screeching halt once travelers realize they can experience Liberty Bell from comfort of own living room
  • Neck Pain: Cases of neck pain projected to triple in both volume and severity over the next five years
  • Music: Immersion in 360-degree drum kits will allow amateurs to thrash with increased sickness
  • Clamming: Virtual reality to have no discernible impact on clamming
  • Mental Health: Putting on a VR headset to discuss feelings of dissociation and detachment with a computer-generated avatar will be extremely quick and affordable

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