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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?

Following a terrible 3-9 outing in 2008, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez desperately needs the football team to win in 2009. What are the Wolverines doing to improve?

  • No longer complaining that the blue-colored jerseys are too heavy
  • Really hoping true freshman quarterback Tate Forcier hits that growth spurt before the first game
  • Making sure to call roster filled with mediocre players "depth"
  • Praying no one notices games scheduled against Ohio Tech and Nichigan State
  • No more sundae bar on sidelines
  • Have stopped recruiting guys just because they like the name Brandon
  • To build confidence and provide core strength, permitting players to have knees on ground for push-ups
  • Just keep in mind that the Champs Sports Bowl is a good bowl, too, okay?
  • Senior punter Zoltan Mesko needs to keep doin' his thang
  • No matter what, don't lose to Michigan, because they're a decrepit has-been shell of—oh right

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