How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?

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Vol 45 Issue 36

Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting.

Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice."

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.
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How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?

Following a terrible 3-9 outing in 2008, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez desperately needs the football team to win in 2009. What are the Wolverines doing to improve?

  • No longer complaining that the blue-colored jerseys are too heavy
  • Really hoping true freshman quarterback Tate Forcier hits that growth spurt before the first game
  • Making sure to call roster filled with mediocre players "depth"
  • Praying no one notices games scheduled against Ohio Tech and Nichigan State
  • No more sundae bar on sidelines
  • Have stopped recruiting guys just because they like the name Brandon
  • To build confidence and provide core strength, permitting players to have knees on ground for push-ups
  • Just keep in mind that the Champs Sports Bowl is a good bowl, too, okay?
  • Senior punter Zoltan Mesko needs to keep doin' his thang
  • No matter what, don't lose to Michigan, because they're a decrepit has-been shell of—oh right
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