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How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?

Following a terrible 3-9 outing in 2008, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez desperately needs the football team to win in 2009. What are the Wolverines doing to improve?

  • No longer complaining that the blue-colored jerseys are too heavy
  • Really hoping true freshman quarterback Tate Forcier hits that growth spurt before the first game
  • Making sure to call roster filled with mediocre players "depth"
  • Praying no one notices games scheduled against Ohio Tech and Nichigan State
  • No more sundae bar on sidelines
  • Have stopped recruiting guys just because they like the name Brandon
  • To build confidence and provide core strength, permitting players to have knees on ground for push-ups
  • Just keep in mind that the Champs Sports Bowl is a good bowl, too, okay?
  • Senior punter Zoltan Mesko needs to keep doin' his thang
  • No matter what, don't lose to Michigan, because they're a decrepit has-been shell of—oh right

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