How Your Amazon Order Reaches You

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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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How Your Amazon Order Reaches You

With more than 90,000 employees at 80 shipping warehouses around the globe, remains the world’s largest online retailer for electronics, books, clothing, and more. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Amazon orders reach consumers:

  • Step 1: Customers spend 72 hours comparing products on before going with the first item they clicked on.
  • Step 2: If an item is cheaper through another site, Amazon promises to match their price and run them out of business.
  • Step 3: Immediately after checkout, the customer’s purchases are mocked mercilessly by a panel of cultural elitists.
  • Step 4: At the warehouse, books, CDs, and other products are removed from tanks of preservative fluid and allowed to dry in the sun for several weeks.
  • Step 5: Bubble wrap craftsmen are summoned to smelt packaging specific to product’s precise volume requirements.
  • Step 6: Amazon Prime subscribers’ packages are sorted for prompt delivery, while all other orders are sealed in metal drums and buried underground for six to eight business days.
  • Step 7: If the product is a baby, the umbilical cord is cut.
  • Step 8: Worker throws in a few Like Mike DVDs to free up space in the warehouse.
  • Step 9: For a fleeting moment, all is still.
  • Step 10: Customer’s photo and address are handed out to potential delivery drivers to see if any “feel a strong connection.”
  • Step 11: Package is rerouted to Denver.
  • Step 12: Amazon truck drives by the local Barnes & Noble just to rub it in.
  • Step 13: Delivery person meets the customer in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for the handoff.

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