How Your Amazon Order Reaches You

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Vol 50 Issue 29

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How Your Amazon Order Reaches You

With more than 90,000 employees at 80 shipping warehouses around the globe, remains the world’s largest online retailer for electronics, books, clothing, and more. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Amazon orders reach consumers:

  • Step 1: Customers spend 72 hours comparing products on before going with the first item they clicked on.
  • Step 2: If an item is cheaper through another site, Amazon promises to match their price and run them out of business.
  • Step 3: Immediately after checkout, the customer’s purchases are mocked mercilessly by a panel of cultural elitists.
  • Step 4: At the warehouse, books, CDs, and other products are removed from tanks of preservative fluid and allowed to dry in the sun for several weeks.
  • Step 5: Bubble wrap craftsmen are summoned to smelt packaging specific to product’s precise volume requirements.
  • Step 6: Amazon Prime subscribers’ packages are sorted for prompt delivery, while all other orders are sealed in metal drums and buried underground for six to eight business days.
  • Step 7: If the product is a baby, the umbilical cord is cut.
  • Step 8: Worker throws in a few Like Mike DVDs to free up space in the warehouse.
  • Step 9: For a fleeting moment, all is still.
  • Step 10: Customer’s photo and address are handed out to potential delivery drivers to see if any “feel a strong connection.”
  • Step 11: Package is rerouted to Denver.
  • Step 12: Amazon truck drives by the local Barnes & Noble, just to rub it in.
  • Step 13: Delivery person meets the customer in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for the handoff.
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