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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Hubris In Sports

  • 1886: Always needing to be first, Ty Cobb pushes aside the baby that was supposed to come of his mother's vagina
  • 1919: Man o' War doesn't start running until 1:50 into the race
  • 1920: Cleveland shortstop Ray Chapman leans over the plate as though he were begging to be beaned in the head and killed on the ball field
  • 1997: Long thought of as an over-the-top disciplinarian, P.J. Carlesimo gets right in Latrell Sprewell's face and yells, "There is no way in the world that you would strangle me right now"
  • 1997: Prior to Game 5 of the NBA Finals against the Utah Jazz, Michael Jordan injects the flu into his body
  • 2003: With Game 7 of the ALCS tied in the 11th inning, Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield decides to finish off the unknown Aaron Boone with one of his signature floaters
  • 2008: Rather than punting like he should, Lions coach Rod Marinelli repeatedly goes for it on first down
  • 2009: Bill Simmons publishes 750-page book about basketball; the word "basketball" appears only 37 times in the text, whereas "Bill Simmons" appears 5,723 times

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