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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Hubris In Sports

  • 1886: Always needing to be first, Ty Cobb pushes aside the baby that was supposed to come of his mother's vagina
  • 1919: Man o' War doesn't start running until 1:50 into the race
  • 1920: Cleveland shortstop Ray Chapman leans over the plate as though he were begging to be beaned in the head and killed on the ball field
  • 1997: Long thought of as an over-the-top disciplinarian, P.J. Carlesimo gets right in Latrell Sprewell's face and yells, "There is no way in the world that you would strangle me right now"
  • 1997: Prior to Game 5 of the NBA Finals against the Utah Jazz, Michael Jordan injects the flu into his body
  • 2003: With Game 7 of the ALCS tied in the 11th inning, Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield decides to finish off the unknown Aaron Boone with one of his signature floaters
  • 2008: Rather than punting like he should, Lions coach Rod Marinelli repeatedly goes for it on first down
  • 2009: Bill Simmons publishes 750-page book about basketball; the word "basketball" appears only 37 times in the text, whereas "Bill Simmons" appears 5,723 times

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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