Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

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Vol 48 Issue 46

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Small Business

Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. Here are some of their recovery efforts:

  • Telling those without power what’s happening on their favorite shows
  • Electing new government officials to replace waterlogged ones
  • Investing in one large sandbag instead of wasting time with many small ones
  • Constructing coastal low-income housing as bulwark against future storms hitting their communities again
  • Air Wick producing urine-scented aerosol to restore New York City subways to their natural scent
  • Fortifying coastal sand castles
  • Reerecting the Avalon Woods condo development from the ground up, except for unit 12-B, where those awful fucking Donaldsons lived
  • Clearing and replacing downed tree branches with memorial glass tree branches
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