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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. Here are some of their recovery efforts:

  • Telling those without power what’s happening on their favorite shows
  • Electing new government officials to replace waterlogged ones
  • Investing in one large sandbag instead of wasting time with many small ones
  • Constructing coastal low-income housing as bulwark against future storms hitting their communities again
  • Air Wick producing urine-scented aerosol to restore New York City subways to their natural scent
  • Fortifying coastal sand castles
  • Reerecting the Avalon Woods condo development from the ground up, except for unit 12-B, where those awful fucking Donaldsons lived
  • Clearing and replacing downed tree branches with memorial glass tree branches

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