Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. Here are some of their recovery efforts:

  • Telling those without power what’s happening on their favorite shows
  • Electing new government officials to replace waterlogged ones
  • Investing in one large sandbag instead of wasting time with many small ones
  • Constructing coastal low-income housing as bulwark against future storms hitting their communities again
  • Air Wick producing urine-scented aerosol to restore New York City subways to their natural scent
  • Fortifying coastal sand castles
  • Reerecting the Avalon Woods condo development from the ground up, except for unit 12-B, where those awful fucking Donaldsons lived
  • Clearing and replacing downed tree branches with memorial glass tree branches