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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Illinois Corruption Timeline

The controversy surrounding Illinois senator Roland Burris is only the latest chapter in a long history of political corruption in the Land of Lincoln. Here is a partial timeline of scandals that have plagued the state.

1865: Birthplace of Abraham Lincoln moved from its original location in Kentucky

1871: The Great Chicago Fire spreads quickly after every firehouse in the city is discovered to be either empty or manned by incompetent, low-paid chimpanzees

1913–1917: Renowned for his moral rectitude, Gov. Edward "Upstanding Ed" Dunne embezzles just $55,000 while in office

1956: Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley shifts the proposed interstate route to separate his neighborhood from the adjoining black neighborhood, but has it jog slightly to the left to keep a favorite pie restaurant on his side

1983: Chicago City Council member Bernard Stone stirs up opposition to African-American mayor Harold Washington in a rousing speech beginning with the famous words, "In my day..."

1995: U.S. Rep. Dan Rostenkowski starts practice of going up to random people, saying "Nice watch," and hanging around for a while

2003: After being dared by a group of visiting mayors, a drunken Mayor Richard M. Daley orders downtown Chicago airport Meigs Field torn up in the dead of night, just to prove he can

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