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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Illinois Corruption Timeline

The controversy surrounding Illinois senator Roland Burris is only the latest chapter in a long history of political corruption in the Land of Lincoln. Here is a partial timeline of scandals that have plagued the state.

1865: Birthplace of Abraham Lincoln moved from its original location in Kentucky

1871: The Great Chicago Fire spreads quickly after every firehouse in the city is discovered to be either empty or manned by incompetent, low-paid chimpanzees

1913–1917: Renowned for his moral rectitude, Gov. Edward "Upstanding Ed" Dunne embezzles just $55,000 while in office

1956: Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley shifts the proposed interstate route to separate his neighborhood from the adjoining black neighborhood, but has it jog slightly to the left to keep a favorite pie restaurant on his side

1983: Chicago City Council member Bernard Stone stirs up opposition to African-American mayor Harold Washington in a rousing speech beginning with the famous words, "In my day..."

1995: U.S. Rep. Dan Rostenkowski starts practice of going up to random people, saying "Nice watch," and hanging around for a while

2003: After being dared by a group of visiting mayors, a drunken Mayor Richard M. Daley orders downtown Chicago airport Meigs Field torn up in the dead of night, just to prove he can

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