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Vol 35 Issue 46

Eyes Removed In Violent Yearbook Attack

EVANSVILLE, IN—An unidentified eraser-wielding vandal rubbed out the eyes of graduating senior Paulette Conreid in Erika Franklin's personal copy of "Transitions," the 1999 Evansville West High School yearbook, EWHS sources reported Monday. "I am so totally bumming," Franklin said. "Who would do something like that to Paulette? She's, like, the biggest sweetie I know." The primary suspect in the attack is Jenny Logan, who, as everyone in school knows, has a huge crush on Jeff Lowe, Conreid's boyfriend.

Broncos, Jaguars Helmets Sustain Severe Damage In Monday Night Football Helmet Collision

JACKSONVILLE, FL—A pair of NFL helmets were severely damaged Monday in an explosive head-on collision during a broadcast of ABC's Monday Night Football. "We are still reconstructing the incident, searching for any clue as to what could have gone wrong," Monday Night Football play-by-play announcer Al Michaels said of the catastrophe, which occurred minutes before kickoff and was seen live by an estimated 17 million television viewers. "The helmets were securely chained to their respective space-platforms by four safety tethers, and there was no reason to suspect they would be able to break free." Witnesses said the chained helmets, which directly faced each other on their platforms, seemed increasingly angry and agitated in the moments leading up to the disaster.

Buchanan Reveals Thousands Of Americans Made In China

TOPEKA, KS—During a speech Monday before members of the Topeka VFW Hall, a concerned Pat Buchanan said that "hundreds of thousands" of U.S. citizens were made in Communist China. "These shoddy, Asian-looking, 'knock-off' Americans are the mass-produced product of non-union, low-wage parents," the Reform Party presidential hopeful told VFW members. "Every day, these knock-offs are exported from China to our shores, where they are free to intermingle with real, made-in-the-U.S.A. Americans." Buchanan added that if he wins the presidency, he would impose stiff tariffs against U.S.-citizen-producing nations and return all bootleg Americans to their nation of origin.

The Mars Polar Lander

On Dec. 7, NASA mysteriously lost all contact with the $165 million Mars Polar Lander. Among the leading theories as to what went wrong:

I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just dying to listen to me ramble on about myself for hours on end. It's getting more obvious to me every day: I think I'm such hot shit!

Man Of The Millennium: Death

[image:29982]As humanity moves into the dawn of a new and uncertain future, we look back upon our collective past. In the annals of history, many have achieved greatness, yet one individual towers above all others as the most significant single force of the last thousand years. Whether in war or peace, feast or famine, prosperity or economic ruin, the Man Of The Millennium has touched all our lives. No one has had a greater, more permanent impact on our shared human condition.

Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a living person, whether the procedure occurs in the first week of pregnancy or the last.

Y2K Survival Tips

With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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