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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

Harry Potter fans lined up at Universal Studios Orlando today for the opening of Diagon Alley, the highly anticipated expansion to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, which features new rides, restaurants, and shops based on the fictional street. Here are some highlights of the new area:

  • Daily Prophet publishing office allows curious children to hold real-life versions of print newspapers described in the books
  • Sorting Hat that tells everyone they’re in Gryffindor
  • Seamus Finnigan’s Basketball Free Throw Challenge
  • Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”
  • A place just to sit and rest your goddamn feet for a second
  • Numerous opportunities for children to experience the magic of waiting in line for three hours
  • Enchanted bathrooms outfitted with haunted toilets that flush on their own
  • Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.
  • Leaky Cauldron bartender who has two days to get the accent down or his ass is out on the street
  • Digital counter displaying J.K. Rowling’s net worth

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