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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

Harry Potter fans lined up at Universal Studios Orlando today for the opening of Diagon Alley, the highly anticipated expansion to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, which features new rides, restaurants, and shops based on the fictional street. Here are some highlights of the new area:

  • Daily Prophet publishing office allows curious children to hold real-life versions of print newspapers described in the books
  • Sorting Hat that tells everyone they’re in Gryffindor
  • Seamus Finnigan’s Basketball Free Throw Challenge
  • Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”
  • A place just to sit and rest your goddamn feet for a second
  • Numerous opportunities for children to experience the magic of waiting in line for three hours
  • Enchanted bathrooms outfitted with haunted toilets that flush on their own
  • Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.
  • Leaky Cauldron bartender who has two days to get the accent down or his ass is out on the street
  • Digital counter displaying J.K. Rowling’s net worth
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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