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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

Harry Potter fans lined up at Universal Studios Orlando today for the opening of Diagon Alley, the highly anticipated expansion to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, which features new rides, restaurants, and shops based on the fictional street. Here are some highlights of the new area:

  • Daily Prophet publishing office allows curious children to hold real-life versions of print newspapers described in the books
  • Sorting Hat that tells everyone they’re in Gryffindor
  • Seamus Finnigan’s Basketball Free Throw Challenge
  • Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”
  • A place just to sit and rest your goddamn feet for a second
  • Numerous opportunities for children to experience the magic of waiting in line for three hours
  • Enchanted bathrooms outfitted with haunted toilets that flush on their own
  • Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.
  • Leaky Cauldron bartender who has two days to get the accent down or his ass is out on the street
  • Digital counter displaying J.K. Rowling’s net worth

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