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Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Inside Harry Potter World’s New Diagon Alley

Harry Potter fans lined up at Universal Studios Orlando today for the opening of Diagon Alley, the highly anticipated expansion to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, which features new rides, restaurants, and shops based on the fictional street. Here are some highlights of the new area:

  • Daily Prophet publishing office allows curious children to hold real-life versions of print newspapers described in the books
  • Sorting Hat that tells everyone they’re in Gryffindor
  • Seamus Finnigan’s Basketball Free Throw Challenge
  • Food court employees instructed to call french fries “potato wands”
  • A place just to sit and rest your goddamn feet for a second
  • Numerous opportunities for children to experience the magic of waiting in line for three hours
  • Enchanted bathrooms outfitted with haunted toilets that flush on their own
  • Animatronic Voldemort that is clearly a repurposed E.T.
  • Leaky Cauldron bartender who has two days to get the accent down or his ass is out on the street
  • Digital counter displaying J.K. Rowling’s net worth

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