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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.

  • Javier Fernandez (Figure Skating, Spain): Guaranteed to make your wife call out “Oh, Javier!” during all sexual intercourse over the next two weeks
  • Victor Ahn (Speed Skating, Russia): This hometown favorite will use his in-depth knowledge of his home track to take one of the many hidden shortcuts
  • Anthony Benna (Freestyle Skiing, France): What can be written about Benna that hasn’t already been said?
  • Noriaki Kasai (Ski Jumping, Japan): Like all ski jumpers, Kasai is worth watching just in case he crashes
  • Sidney Crosby (Hockey, Canada): Team Canada’s captain will need to adjust to playing hockey in front of far bigger crowds than he’s normally used to
  • Ivan Panin (Nordic Combined, Russia): Strong Russian boy, 61 kilograms
  • Felix Loch (Luge, Germany): The fastest luger in the world, Loch is a favorite to die during competition in Sochi
  • Barbara Jezeršek (Cross-Country Skiing, Slovenia): As one of the few openly gay Olympians heading to Sochi, Jezeršek can’t wait to get at Russia’s young, vulnerable children
  • Tina Maze (Alpine Skiing, Slovenia): From a very young age, Maze always aspired to be the subject of frantic Google image searches by millions of middle-aged men around the world

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