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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.

  • Javier Fernandez (Figure Skating, Spain): Guaranteed to make your wife call out “Oh, Javier!” during all sexual intercourse over the next two weeks
  • Victor Ahn (Speed Skating, Russia): This hometown favorite will use his in-depth knowledge of his home track to take one of the many hidden shortcuts
  • Anthony Benna (Freestyle Skiing, France): What can be written about Benna that hasn’t already been said?
  • Noriaki Kasai (Ski Jumping, Japan): Like all ski jumpers, Kasai is worth watching just in case he crashes
  • Sidney Crosby (Hockey, Canada): Team Canada’s captain will need to adjust to playing hockey in front of far bigger crowds than he’s normally used to
  • Ivan Panin (Nordic Combined, Russia): Strong Russian boy, 61 kilograms
  • Felix Loch (Luge, Germany): The fastest luger in the world, Loch is a favorite to die during competition in Sochi
  • Barbara Jezeršek (Cross-Country Skiing, Slovenia): As one of the few openly gay Olympians heading to Sochi, Jezeršek can’t wait to get at Russia’s young, vulnerable children
  • Tina Maze (Alpine Skiing, Slovenia): From a very young age, Maze always aspired to be the subject of frantic Google image searches by millions of middle-aged men around the world

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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