International Olympians To Watch

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Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.

  • Javier Fernandez (Figure Skating, Spain): Guaranteed to make your wife call out “Oh, Javier!” during all sexual intercourse over the next two weeks
  • Victor Ahn (Speed Skating, Russia): This hometown favorite will use his in-depth knowledge of his home track to take one of the many hidden shortcuts
  • Anthony Benna (Freestyle Skiing, France): What can be written about Benna that hasn’t already been said?
  • Noriaki Kasai (Ski Jumping, Japan): Like all ski jumpers, Kasai is worth watching just in case he crashes
  • Sidney Crosby (Hockey, Canada): Team Canada’s captain will need to adjust to playing hockey in front of far bigger crowds than he’s normally used to
  • Ivan Panin (Nordic Combined, Russia): Strong Russian boy, 61 kilograms
  • Felix Loch (Luge, Germany): The fastest luger in the world, Loch is a favorite to die during competition in Sochi
  • Barbara Jezeršek (Cross-Country Skiing, Slovenia): As one of the few openly gay Olympians heading to Sochi, Jezeršek can’t wait to get at Russia’s young, vulnerable children
  • Tina Maze (Alpine Skiing, Slovenia): From a very young age, Maze always aspired to be the subject of frantic Google image searches by millions of middle-aged men around the world
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