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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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International Olympic Medal Incentives

Winning the gold in international amateur competition is its own reward, but participating nations have found other ways to show their appreciation.

  • North Korea: Winners will receive, um, this chunk of wood over here, and this busted remote control, and, what's that over there? A radio dial? Yeah, some sort of radio dial.
  • Morocco: Pretty simple. Samir Azzimani, the lone athlete representing Morocco, either wins or has his head chopped off
  • USA: Winners receive a week of adulation, get interviewed on a late-night talk show or two, appear in a few terrible commercials, and then fade into obscurity until their Olympic records are mentioned in their obituaries
  • Norway: All any Norse competitor worth his salt really wants is an even taller mountain to ski down
  • Sweden: Government is unable to realistically offer athletes anything that would make their lives better than just sitting back and living in Sweden
  • Germany: Awarded one of the nation's 50 annual smiles
  • Texas: Huge belt buckle with words "I SHOWED THEM AMERICANS" in rhinestones
  • Belarus: Authority to govern the voblast of their choice, whether it be Brest Voblast, Gomel Voblast, Grodno Voblast, Mogilev Voblast, Minsk Voblast, or even Vitebsk Voblast
  • China: Fresh pile of straw for cramped Olympian pen
  • Poland: Free tickets to 2010 Winter Olympics

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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