adBlockCheck

International Olympic Medal Incentives

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

International Olympic Medal Incentives

Winning the gold in international amateur competition is its own reward, but participating nations have found other ways to show their appreciation.

  • North Korea: Winners will receive, um, this chunk of wood over here, and this busted remote control, and, what's that over there? A radio dial? Yeah, some sort of radio dial.
  • Morocco: Pretty simple. Samir Azzimani, the lone athlete representing Morocco, either wins or has his head chopped off
  • USA: Winners receive a week of adulation, get interviewed on a late-night talk show or two, appear in a few terrible commercials, and then fade into obscurity until their Olympic records are mentioned in their obituaries
  • Norway: All any Norse competitor worth his salt really wants is an even taller mountain to ski down
  • Sweden: Government is unable to realistically offer athletes anything that would make their lives better than just sitting back and living in Sweden
  • Germany: Awarded one of the nation's 50 annual smiles
  • Texas: Huge belt buckle with words "I SHOWED THEM AMERICANS" in rhinestones
  • Belarus: Authority to govern the voblast of their choice, whether it be Brest Voblast, Gomel Voblast, Grodno Voblast, Mogilev Voblast, Minsk Voblast, or even Vitebsk Voblast
  • China: Fresh pile of straw for cramped Olympian pen
  • Poland: Free tickets to 2010 Winter Olympics

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close