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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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International Olympic Medal Incentives

Winning the gold in international amateur competition is its own reward, but participating nations have found other ways to show their appreciation.

  • North Korea: Winners will receive, um, this chunk of wood over here, and this busted remote control, and, what's that over there? A radio dial? Yeah, some sort of radio dial.
  • Morocco: Pretty simple. Samir Azzimani, the lone athlete representing Morocco, either wins or has his head chopped off
  • USA: Winners receive a week of adulation, get interviewed on a late-night talk show or two, appear in a few terrible commercials, and then fade into obscurity until their Olympic records are mentioned in their obituaries
  • Norway: All any Norse competitor worth his salt really wants is an even taller mountain to ski down
  • Sweden: Government is unable to realistically offer athletes anything that would make their lives better than just sitting back and living in Sweden
  • Germany: Awarded one of the nation's 50 annual smiles
  • Texas: Huge belt buckle with words "I SHOWED THEM AMERICANS" in rhinestones
  • Belarus: Authority to govern the voblast of their choice, whether it be Brest Voblast, Gomel Voblast, Grodno Voblast, Mogilev Voblast, Minsk Voblast, or even Vitebsk Voblast
  • China: Fresh pile of straw for cramped Olympian pen
  • Poland: Free tickets to 2010 Winter Olympics

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