Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). Here are some of the legislation's controversial provisions:

  • Music review sites can only allude to a song's title and content in vague terms
  • All pirated material available only at the Commerce Department's new site, Torrent.gov
  • Government will actively encourage people to download only public-domain music, such as Pipey Lester's "That Cat's a-Mewing!" or Ukulele Ted's "Nickel For Your Hat"
  • Denies future generations the ability to watch hilarious scene from Dirty Work where Chris Farley yells at the Asian hooker anytime, free of charge, which is a fundamental right of being an American
  • Does absolutely nothing to get rid of goddamn Lolcats
  • Makes the MPAA and RIAA feel better, which, if you have any shred of a soul, causes pure rage to swell through your very being
  • Any person suspected of Photoshopping bill sponsor Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) in an unflattering manner shall be subject to a minimum sentence of two months in prison; sentence will be increased by an additional two months if MS Paint is used
  • No longer legal to steal Ryan Gosling's credit card information