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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). Here are some of the legislation's controversial provisions:

  • Music review sites can only allude to a song's title and content in vague terms
  • All pirated material available only at the Commerce Department's new site, Torrent.gov
  • Government will actively encourage people to download only public-domain music, such as Pipey Lester's "That Cat's a-Mewing!" or Ukulele Ted's "Nickel For Your Hat"
  • Denies future generations the ability to watch hilarious scene from Dirty Work where Chris Farley yells at the Asian hooker anytime, free of charge, which is a fundamental right of being an American
  • Does absolutely nothing to get rid of goddamn Lolcats
  • Makes the MPAA and RIAA feel better, which, if you have any shred of a soul, causes pure rage to swell through your very being
  • Any person suspected of Photoshopping bill sponsor Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) in an unflattering manner shall be subject to a minimum sentence of two months in prison; sentence will be increased by an additional two months if MS Paint is used
  • No longer legal to steal Ryan Gosling's credit card information

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