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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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iPhone 5 Features

Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the widely anticipated latest generation of the iPhone at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the new device’s features:

  • Says things when you touch it, just like a real person
  • Adjustable hand-strap
  • Siri tunelessly hums when left alone for too long
  • Plaid
  • Makes a sighing noise whenever it passes older iPhones
  • Frictionless no-grip casing eases transition from hand to floor
  • Can hammer nails
  • Is pathetic piece of shit compared to the iPhone 6
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