Iraq War Recommendations

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Vol 47 Issue 52

Where Did U.S. Money Go In Iraq?

According to a report in The Washington Post, Gen. David Petraeus and other American military commanders were given access to $5 billion in discretionary funds to spend on various projects like a now-defunct $1 million water park in Baghdad. Here are some of the places the money went to:

U.S. Ends Combat Operations In Iraq

Last week, the U.S. occupation of Iraq officially ceased being a combat mission as the military entered the stability phase of its operations. Here are some of the major victories of the seven-and-a-half-year war.

Obama Declares Victory, Sort Of, Depending On How You Look At It, In Iraq

CAMP SPRINGS, MD—"For nearly a decade, our mission in Iraq has been to root out those who would choose violence over peace, to create a stable Iraqi government, and to transfer power to an incorruptable civilian police force," Obama said. "And, in a manner of speaking, we sort of did some of that, right? More or less?"

Iraq's Little Victories

After a busy election season, it's easy to forget that while the two candidates were fighting over the presidency, we were still fighting a war in...
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Iraq War Recommendations

The Baker Study Group released their report on new Iraq strategies. Here are the some of the other options for Iraq currently on the table:

Implement phased withdrawal of all media access

Rapidly train Iraqi security forces in use of butterfly knives

Try to meet insurgents halfway by burning own effigies of Bush

Promote Smithfield Ham–sponsored "Hey, America, What's Your Exit Strategy?" contest

Spend a weekend researching the customs and history of the Iraqi people

Stop half-assing USO shows

Teach Iraqis about ultimate futility of sectarian violence by pointing out that, Shiite or Sunni, they all look alike anyway

Move operations over to another country that will embrace democracy more readily

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