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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Iraq's Little Victories

After a busy election season, it's easy to forget that while the two candidates were fighting over the presidency, we were still fighting a war in Iraq. Here's some of the good news from the front lines that you may not have heard:

Army Spc. Phillip Bertam showed his buddies a picture of his girl back home and wasn't killed by sniper fire immediately afterward.

Marine Corps Pfc. Marlon Llewelyn doesn't really want to talk about what happened, but yeah, his penis still works.

After weeks of hard fighting and inch-by-inch advancement, the 5th Platoon, Delta Company finally secured that block of Fallujah with the awesome little shawarma place.

A truck bomb detonated and destroyed a local eyesore that should have been condemned five years ago.

U.S. medics saved an Iraqi man's life when they successfully removed the shards of his wife's skull from his face.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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