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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Is Bradley Manning A Hero Or A Traitor?

Yesterday, a military judge convicted Army Pfc. Bradley Manning of violating the Espionage Act, but acquitted him on charges of aiding the enemy. Manning, who leaked more than 700,000 classified documents to WikiLeaks in 2010 and now faces up to 136 years in prison, is being hailed by some as a hero for his whistleblowing and a traitor by others for compromising national security. Here are the cases the two sides are making:

ARGUMENTS FOR MANNING BEING A HERO:

  • Sacrificed his dreams of leading a relatively normal life as a lonely outcast questioning his gender identity
  • Risked life and limb to reveal documents superiors had mistakenly entrusted to him
  • Martyred self in name of higher cause no one really wants to read about
  • Leaked videos meant that Akron, OH resident Carolyn Sutter spent 10 extra minutes on her computer on the morning of February 19, 2010, causing her to miss her usual bus—the very same bus that crashed that morning and would have killed her if she’d been on board
  • Everybody but the army seems to think he’s a decent enough guy
  • The chance of Bradley Manning being the product of the one of his father’s sperm that fertilized his mother’s egg and ultimately became a human is specularly low and, actually, almost unfathomable! One in 10^2,685,000, to be exact! So, whether or not Manning is a hero, he is a miracle. We are all miracles.
  • ARGUMENTS FOR MANNING BEING A TRAITOR:

    • Has thus far failed to demonstrate himself as anything beyond some flash-in-the-pan, one-hit-wonder whistleblower
    • Lacks the raw, unadulterated masculinity of an Assange or Snowden
    • Stubbornly refuses to leave public eye, months after the American people lost interest in him
    • Pompous “Private First Class” moniker
    • Closing statement in trial was just “With all due respect, your honor, I fucking hate this country”
    • Ultimately, the judgment of Bradley Manning is a far deeper question than whether he is merely a hero or villain, streaked with shades of gray and consumed by moral ambiguity. But yeah, sure, he’s probably a traitor.

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