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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Is Bradley Manning A Hero Or A Traitor?

Yesterday, a military judge convicted Army Pfc. Bradley Manning of violating the Espionage Act, but acquitted him on charges of aiding the enemy. Manning, who leaked more than 700,000 classified documents to WikiLeaks in 2010 and now faces up to 136 years in prison, is being hailed by some as a hero for his whistleblowing and a traitor by others for compromising national security. Here are the cases the two sides are making:

ARGUMENTS FOR MANNING BEING A HERO:

  • Sacrificed his dreams of leading a relatively normal life as a lonely outcast questioning his gender identity
  • Risked life and limb to reveal documents superiors had mistakenly entrusted to him
  • Martyred self in name of higher cause no one really wants to read about
  • Leaked videos meant that Akron, OH resident Carolyn Sutter spent 10 extra minutes on her computer on the morning of February 19, 2010, causing her to miss her usual bus—the very same bus that crashed that morning and would have killed her if she’d been on board
  • Everybody but the army seems to think he’s a decent enough guy
  • The chance of Bradley Manning being the product of the one of his father’s sperm that fertilized his mother’s egg and ultimately became a human is specularly low and, actually, almost unfathomable! One in 10^2,685,000, to be exact! So, whether or not Manning is a hero, he is a miracle. We are all miracles.
  • ARGUMENTS FOR MANNING BEING A TRAITOR:

    • Has thus far failed to demonstrate himself as anything beyond some flash-in-the-pan, one-hit-wonder whistleblower
    • Lacks the raw, unadulterated masculinity of an Assange or Snowden
    • Stubbornly refuses to leave public eye, months after the American people lost interest in him
    • Pompous “Private First Class” moniker
    • Closing statement in trial was just “With all due respect, your honor, I fucking hate this country”
    • Ultimately, the judgment of Bradley Manning is a far deeper question than whether he is merely a hero or villain, streaked with shades of gray and consumed by moral ambiguity. But yeah, sure, he’s probably a traitor.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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