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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. Could the economy be on the rebound? Here are some other favorable indicators:

  • Sufficient supplies of toilet paper in all rest stops between Tomah, WI and Gary, IN
  • Jim Cramer no longer wildly waving a gun around during his telecast
  • Paper Cuts 2, the second stationery store in the small town of DuBois, PA will not go bankrupt until August
  • Laurie Goode, 25, treated herself to three toes of a pedicure
  • All over the country, libraries are being re-abandoned
  • Fewer desperate dust-covered Okies streaming into California in beat-up old pickup trucks looking for honest day's work
  • A $10 bill was right in the middle of I-35 outside of Laredo, TX and no one stopped their car to grab it
  • Phrase "Fucking Goldman Sachs" has been dropped almost completely in favor of "Fucking BP"
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