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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. Could the economy be on the rebound? Here are some other favorable indicators:

  • Sufficient supplies of toilet paper in all rest stops between Tomah, WI and Gary, IN
  • Jim Cramer no longer wildly waving a gun around during his telecast
  • Paper Cuts 2, the second stationery store in the small town of DuBois, PA will not go bankrupt until August
  • Laurie Goode, 25, treated herself to three toes of a pedicure
  • All over the country, libraries are being re-abandoned
  • Fewer desperate dust-covered Okies streaming into California in beat-up old pickup trucks looking for honest day's work
  • A $10 bill was right in the middle of I-35 outside of Laredo, TX and no one stopped their car to grab it
  • Phrase "Fucking Goldman Sachs" has been dropped almost completely in favor of "Fucking BP"

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