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Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. Could the economy be on the rebound? Here are some other favorable indicators:

  • Sufficient supplies of toilet paper in all rest stops between Tomah, WI and Gary, IN
  • Jim Cramer no longer wildly waving a gun around during his telecast
  • Paper Cuts 2, the second stationery store in the small town of DuBois, PA will not go bankrupt until August
  • Laurie Goode, 25, treated herself to three toes of a pedicure
  • All over the country, libraries are being re-abandoned
  • Fewer desperate dust-covered Okies streaming into California in beat-up old pickup trucks looking for honest day's work
  • A $10 bill was right in the middle of I-35 outside of Laredo, TX and no one stopped their car to grab it
  • Phrase "Fucking Goldman Sachs" has been dropped almost completely in favor of "Fucking BP"

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