Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. Could the economy be on the rebound? Here are some other favorable indicators:

  • Sufficient supplies of toilet paper in all rest stops between Tomah, WI and Gary, IN
  • Jim Cramer no longer wildly waving a gun around during his telecast
  • Paper Cuts 2, the second stationery store in the small town of DuBois, PA will not go bankrupt until August
  • Laurie Goode, 25, treated herself to three toes of a pedicure
  • All over the country, libraries are being re-abandoned
  • Fewer desperate dust-covered Okies streaming into California in beat-up old pickup trucks looking for honest day's work
  • A $10 bill was right in the middle of I-35 outside of Laredo, TX and no one stopped their car to grab it
  • Phrase "Fucking Goldman Sachs" has been dropped almost completely in favor of "Fucking BP"