adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

Is The Economy Bouncing Back?

Pending home sales hit a six-month high in April, and in May, General Motors sales rose 16.6 percent. Could the economy be on the rebound? Here are some other favorable indicators:

  • Sufficient supplies of toilet paper in all rest stops between Tomah, WI and Gary, IN
  • Jim Cramer no longer wildly waving a gun around during his telecast
  • Paper Cuts 2, the second stationery store in the small town of DuBois, PA will not go bankrupt until August
  • Laurie Goode, 25, treated herself to three toes of a pedicure
  • All over the country, libraries are being re-abandoned
  • Fewer desperate dust-covered Okies streaming into California in beat-up old pickup trucks looking for honest day's work
  • A $10 bill was right in the middle of I-35 outside of Laredo, TX and no one stopped their car to grab it
  • Phrase "Fucking Goldman Sachs" has been dropped almost completely in favor of "Fucking BP"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close