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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel

In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days in an effort to renew ties with the U.S.’ longstanding ally. Here is his schedule of events:

  • Wednesday, 11:00 a.m.: Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to have a good laugh about the time Netanyahu tried to make Obama lose the election
  • Wednesday, 12:15 p.m.: Photoshoot of Obama sticking his head through wooden board painted to make him look like Hasid
  • Wednesday, 3:15 p.m.: While visiting West Bank, Israeli police to hurry Obama away from latest human rights atrocity
  • Wednesday, 8:00 p.m.: Obama to deliver customary U.S. gifts of long-range ballistic missiles and cluster bombs to Israeli military officials
  • Thursday, 10:30 a.m.: Attend ribbon-cutting ceremony for new Israeli settlement in Gaza
  • Thursday, 12:20 p.m.: Obama to address protesting Palestinians with symbolic nod, shrug
  • Thursday, 1:00 p.m.: Best goddamn falafel of Obama’s life
  • Thursday, 2:00–5:00 p.m.: Take a few hours to just walk around, explore Jerusalem
  • Thursday, 7:00 p.m.: Obama to explain for fifth time why the U.S. can’t just drop a nuclear bomb on Tehran
  • Thursday, 9:40 p.m.: Following luxuriant, sumptuous dinner with Netanyahu, Obama to pick up tab
  • Friday, 11:30 a.m.: Check in with Congress to see how gun control concessions are coming along
  • Friday, 12:00 p.m.: Remember to check out of hotel and return room keys

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