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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel

In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days in an effort to renew ties with the U.S.’ longstanding ally. Here is his schedule of events:

  • Wednesday, 11:00 a.m.: Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to have a good laugh about the time Netanyahu tried to make Obama lose the election
  • Wednesday, 12:15 p.m.: Photoshoot of Obama sticking his head through wooden board painted to make him look like Hasid
  • Wednesday, 3:15 p.m.: While visiting West Bank, Israeli police to hurry Obama away from latest human rights atrocity
  • Wednesday, 8:00 p.m.: Obama to deliver customary U.S. gifts of long-range ballistic missiles and cluster bombs to Israeli military officials
  • Thursday, 10:30 a.m.: Attend ribbon-cutting ceremony for new Israeli settlement in Gaza
  • Thursday, 12:20 p.m.: Obama to address protesting Palestinians with symbolic nod, shrug
  • Thursday, 1:00 p.m.: Best goddamn falafel of Obama’s life
  • Thursday, 2:00–5:00 p.m.: Take a few hours to just walk around, explore Jerusalem
  • Thursday, 7:00 p.m.: Obama to explain for fifth time why the U.S. can’t just drop a nuclear bomb on Tehran
  • Thursday, 9:40 p.m.: Following luxuriant, sumptuous dinner with Netanyahu, Obama to pick up tab
  • Friday, 11:30 a.m.: Check in with Congress to see how gun control concessions are coming along
  • Friday, 12:00 p.m.: Remember to check out of hotel and return room keys

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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