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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel

In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days in an effort to renew ties with the U.S.’ longstanding ally. Here is his schedule of events:

  • Wednesday, 11:00 a.m.: Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to have a good laugh about the time Netanyahu tried to make Obama lose the election
  • Wednesday, 12:15 p.m.: Photoshoot of Obama sticking his head through wooden board painted to make him look like Hasid
  • Wednesday, 3:15 p.m.: While visiting West Bank, Israeli police to hurry Obama away from latest human rights atrocity
  • Wednesday, 8:00 p.m.: Obama to deliver customary U.S. gifts of long-range ballistic missiles and cluster bombs to Israeli military officials
  • Thursday, 10:30 a.m.: Attend ribbon-cutting ceremony for new Israeli settlement in Gaza
  • Thursday, 12:20 p.m.: Obama to address protesting Palestinians with symbolic nod, shrug
  • Thursday, 1:00 p.m.: Best goddamn falafel of Obama’s life
  • Thursday, 2:00–5:00 p.m.: Take a few hours to just walk around, explore Jerusalem
  • Thursday, 7:00 p.m.: Obama to explain for fifth time why the U.S. can’t just drop a nuclear bomb on Tehran
  • Thursday, 9:40 p.m.: Following luxuriant, sumptuous dinner with Netanyahu, Obama to pick up tab
  • Friday, 11:30 a.m.: Check in with Congress to see how gun control concessions are coming along
  • Friday, 12:00 p.m.: Remember to check out of hotel and return room keys

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