WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.
CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.
GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.
CLEVELAND—Generating an excited buzz throughout the first three weeks of training camp, Cleveland Browns coaches and players have been amazed by how comfortable star rookie defensive end Myles Garrett appears walking around shirtless, sources confirmed Monday.
NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.
ANN ARBOR, MI—Excitedly touting the toughness and perfect form that elevate it above the millions of blades he watches every day, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh spent a post-practice interview Thursday heaping praise on a blade of grass on the field that really impressed him.
WASHINGTON—His skin already starting to bubble, newly dismissed White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly smiled and said “My work here is done” on Friday before bursting into millions of spores.