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Vol 32 Issue 16

Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were immortalized in Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, died in a dramatic wall of flames Monday when a malfunction occurred in the electronic components of his kitchen’s microwave oven. Yeager—who had survived high-speed stress-induced blackouts, engine burnouts and experimental-jet crash landings to set altitude and speed records, including his legendary 1947 breaking of the sound barrier—was reportedly toasting several bite-sized pizza pockets at the time of the equipment breakdown. "Chuck could’ve gotten out," retired Air Force captain and longtime Yeager friend Vernon Sawyer said. "But he insisted on finishing what he set out to do: heat and consume those snack-food items. He was very brave."

Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised humankind for more than six millennia. "Whether it be redemption from sin under the second coming of the Messiah; a classless society under a dictatorship of the proletariat; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; a state of clear through the spiritual-purification techniques of the Church of Scientology; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational speaker and Personal Power author Anthony Robbins. Billions of suicides worldwide are expected to result from the announcement.

Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry Monday at a reported cost of $1.75. "I am very pleased with this newest purchase," Hundt told reporters. "I am confident that this eclair, like others I have previously acquired, will provide me with great eating enjoyment." Hundt had previously made news with his 1995 landmark purchase of a four-foot party sub from Hungry Howie’s and a May ’97 20-nugget deal with the McDonald’s corporation.

Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton once again became the focus of departmental scrutiny Monday when he was written up for the second time in less than a month by his immediate supervisor, presidential second-shift crew manager Diane Helbke. It was the third such incident this pay period for the embattled president.
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