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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Jon And Kate's Messy Public Divorce

Since announcing their plans to divorce, Jon and Kate Gosselin, subjects of the TV show Jon And Kate Plus Eight, have had several very public feuds. Here are some highlights from their falling-out:

  • Jon gets caught trying to sell elder twins to undercover cop
  • Kate goes in front of U.N. General Assembly to make case for sole custody of children
  • Jon reveals Kate's private child-ranking order
  • After eating ribs, both unknowingly walk around for 20 minutes with barbecue sauce on their faces because they aren't speaking to each other
  • While Jon is caring for the kids, Kate drives up in the middle of the night, secretly snatches each child from bed, binds and gags the camera crew, shoves them all in her van, and then drives off to start a new televised life elsewhere
  • Jon reveals that Kate's real name is Edith and that she changed it simply for rhyming purposes
  • Jealous of the attention Kate's flirty new hairstyle is getting, Jon gets one exactly like it
  • In a TMZ exclusive, Jon claims that his ex-wife loves to be artificially inseminated from behind
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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