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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Jon And Kate's Messy Public Divorce

Since announcing their plans to divorce, Jon and Kate Gosselin, subjects of the TV show Jon And Kate Plus Eight, have had several very public feuds. Here are some highlights from their falling-out:

  • Jon gets caught trying to sell elder twins to undercover cop
  • Kate goes in front of U.N. General Assembly to make case for sole custody of children
  • Jon reveals Kate's private child-ranking order
  • After eating ribs, both unknowingly walk around for 20 minutes with barbecue sauce on their faces because they aren't speaking to each other
  • While Jon is caring for the kids, Kate drives up in the middle of the night, secretly snatches each child from bed, binds and gags the camera crew, shoves them all in her van, and then drives off to start a new televised life elsewhere
  • Jon reveals that Kate's real name is Edith and that she changed it simply for rhyming purposes
  • Jealous of the attention Kate's flirty new hairstyle is getting, Jon gets one exactly like it
  • In a TMZ exclusive, Jon claims that his ex-wife loves to be artificially inseminated from behind

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