KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions.
MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON, MO—According to stunned sources, billions of seedlings burst through the soil of farmlands across the nation and began growing at an alarming rate Thursday as Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant stood in the center of a soybean field and slowly raised his outstretched arms upward.
INDIANAPOLIS—Smiling as she greeted her husband’s new running mate onstage at a campaign rally Wednesday, Heidi Cruz is said to have drawn Carly Fiorina into a tight hug and whispered “Run! Run, and never look back!” into the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s ear.
INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to regain momentum after a disappointing showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced at a rally Wednesday that his choice for vice president would be this fuckin’ lady—remember her?
FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
CHICAGO—Stressing that “it’s only April” and that “there’s a lot of baseball still to play,” Cubs fans throughout Chicago told reporters Thursday that they remain cautiously optimistic about their World Series chances after pitcher Jake Arrieta threw his eighth no-hitter of the season, with the team scoring over 30 runs for the 12th straight game.
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Wednesday by analysts at the Pew Research Center, there are only 893,000 news articles, feature stories, and opinion pieces to go until the 2016 presidential election is behind us.
OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
WASHINGTON—After years of watching it struggle to perform academically in nearly every area of study, U.S. education officials told reporters Wednesday they have begun to think maybe school just isn’t the nation’s thing.
SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet.
PHILADELPHIA—Thrusting backward on his chair’s casters while banking sharply to the left as if he were pulling hard on the control stick of an F/A-18C Hornet, local billing associate Erik Brison reportedly pushed away from his desk Tuesday like a Blue Angel breaking formation.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!