Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality

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Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night

MINNEAPOLIS—Area couple Gene Hayter and Amy Peterman spent most of Sunday tenderly helping each other nurse massive hangovers, unaware that they broke up in a bitter, alcohol-fueled rage during the night.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confir...

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Tips For Getting In Shape

With swimsuit season on the horizon, Americans across the nation are working hard to get their bodies in peak physical fitness for summer.

I Will Not Rest Until Sometime After 11 p.m.

I awoke this morning with an exhilarating realization: A new day had dawned. The sun brought clarity, as well as light. Looking into my shaving mirror, I made myself a promise. I said to myself, "No matter what obstacles I encounter, no matter what trials I must endure, no matter what distractions I must ignore, I will not rest until sometime after 11 o'clock this evening."

Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal
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