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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall

Teen pop idol Justin Bieber was arrested earlier this month for allegedly driving under the influence and drag racing in Florida, marking the latest incident in a string of troubling behavior that reportedly includes drug use, throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house, and spray-painting graffiti in Brazil. Here is a timeline of Justin Bieber’s path from YouTube sensation, to global superstar, to front-page delinquent:

  • June 2008: Bieber is first discovered singing soulful spirituals while tilling an Ottawa-area cotton field
  • July 2008: Before packing up and moving to Atlanta to meet with manager Scooter Braun, Bieber experiences his last normal interaction with other human beings
  • Feb. 2010: Bieber’s music video “Baby” becomes the most watched YouTube video of all time, topping the previous records set by “How To Set Up Your Epson XP-410 For A Wireless Network,” “Setting Up Your Epson XP-410 For Windows 8,” and “My Review Of The Epson XP-410”
  • Aug. 2010: Ominous tone begins to creep into Behind The Music narrator’s voice
  • Dec. 2010: The teen icon begins an on-again-off-again relationship with popular ’90s Latin recording artist Selena
  • Sept. 2012: Bieber starts lifting weights, and it shows
  • Feb. 2013: Something snaps
  • Nov. 2013: Bieber suffers a full emotional breakdown after coming across a crude drawing he made at age 5 depicting him and his parents standing in front of a house, smiling
  • Jan. 2014: World makes laughably naive judgment that Justin Bieber has hit rock bottom

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