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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall

Teen pop idol Justin Bieber was arrested earlier this month for allegedly driving under the influence and drag racing in Florida, marking the latest incident in a string of troubling behavior that reportedly includes drug use, throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house, and spray-painting graffiti in Brazil. Here is a timeline of Justin Bieber’s path from YouTube sensation, to global superstar, to front-page delinquent:

  • June 2008: Bieber is first discovered singing soulful spirituals while tilling an Ottawa-area cotton field
  • July 2008: Before packing up and moving to Atlanta to meet with manager Scooter Braun, Bieber experiences his last normal interaction with other human beings
  • Feb. 2010: Bieber’s music video “Baby” becomes the most watched YouTube video of all time, topping the previous records set by “How To Set Up Your Epson XP-410 For A Wireless Network,” “Setting Up Your Epson XP-410 For Windows 8,” and “My Review Of The Epson XP-410”
  • Aug. 2010: Ominous tone begins to creep into Behind The Music narrator’s voice
  • Dec. 2010: The teen icon begins an on-again-off-again relationship with popular ’90s Latin recording artist Selena
  • Sept. 2012: Bieber starts lifting weights, and it shows
  • Feb. 2013: Something snaps
  • Nov. 2013: Bieber suffers a full emotional breakdown after coming across a crude drawing he made at age 5 depicting him and his parents standing in front of a house, smiling
  • Jan. 2014: World makes laughably naive judgment that Justin Bieber has hit rock bottom
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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