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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices. Here’s what parents can do to make sure their kids stay safe while using the internet:

  • Place the family computer in a high-traffic area of your home, such as the front doorway or staircase, so that your child is less likely to browse inappropriate websites.
  • Prevent your children from being exposed to explicit, violent, and disturbing content by making sure you clear your internet history when you’re done browsing.
  • Use your browser’s built-in parental controls, a deeply secure feature that can in no way be circumvented by a savvy child who has never known a world without computers.
  • Once the controls are turned on, block potentially inappropriate websites with URLs containing language like “porn,” “xxx,” and “http://.”
  • Shield your child from nudity by strategically placing little pieces of black tape on the computer screen where the naked parts are most likely to appear.
  • Trick them into believing an Etch A Sketch is a computer.
  • Decide how much time you are comfortable with your kids being online each day so that they will know exactly when the thrill of disobeying you should kick in.
  • Give your child a “safe list” of websites that you have personally coded, deployed, and hosted.
  • Before handing over the computer to your child, post on popular web forums asking users to cool it with the swears.
  • Make a bargain with your kids where every hour spent online equals an hour visiting grandma in the nursing home.
  • Every time you catch your children looking at age-inappropriate material online, tell them about the first time you discovered masturbation.
  • Always talk with your children about what websites they regularly visit. If it seems like they’re being honest with you, then they’re far too naive to be using the internet.

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