Kerry Begins Newspaper Hearings

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Vol 45 Issue 19

NASA Running Out Of Fuel

NASA is running short of plutonium-238, the fuel needed in deep space missions, because nuclear warhead production has slowed dramatically since the...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Kerry Begins Newspaper Hearings

In light of recent newspaper closures, Sen. John Kerry is holding hearings this week about the struggling print journalism industry. Here are some of the reasons given for its decline:

Between Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, half of America gets The New York Times read to them for free every day

Fewer and fewer Americans physically able to hoist themselves upright, walk halfway down driveway, and bend over to pick up paper

Horoscopes always slightly inaccurate

Paid Ann Landers way too much back in the '90s

G. Evans of Topeka, KS finally made good on her years-long threat of canceling her subscription

Because no one gives a shit about international news, national news, local news, sports, politics, art, science, or classifieds

The Denver Post staff's notorious habit of telling everyone all about their stories before the paper is printed

Journalists continue to demand overly generous salaries as high as $32,000 a year

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