adBlockCheck

Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kerry Begins Newspaper Hearings

In light of recent newspaper closures, Sen. John Kerry is holding hearings this week about the struggling print journalism industry. Here are some of the reasons given for its decline:

Between Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, half of America gets The New York Times read to them for free every day

Fewer and fewer Americans physically able to hoist themselves upright, walk halfway down driveway, and bend over to pick up paper

Horoscopes always slightly inaccurate

Paid Ann Landers way too much back in the ‘90s

G. Evans of Topeka, KS finally made good on her years-long threat of canceling her subscription

Because no one gives a shit about international news, national news, local news, sports, politics, art, science, or classifieds

The Denver Post staff’s notorious habit of telling everyone all about their stories before the paper is printed

Journalists continue to demand overly generous salaries as high as $32,000 a year

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close