OAKLAND, CA—In the midst of celebrating the team’s first NBA title Sunday after defeating the Golden State Warriors, sources confirmed that Cleveland Cavaliers players sheepishly told power forward Kevin Love that they weren’t aware of any postgame parties taking place later in the night.
THE HEAVENS—Despite allowing the Cavaliers to win the city’s first major sports championship in 52 years, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Sunday that He still hates Cleveland fans.
SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun.
WASHINGTON—Stressing the urgent need for an increase in such clips both on television and the internet, Americans across the nation fiercely and unanimously demanded to see more golf highlights where the ball lands on the green, but then rolls all the way back down a big hill, sources confirmed Tuesday.
NEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the championship trophy, officials from the NHL admitted Friday that they have absolutely no idea who the guys with white gloves carrying the Stanley Cup actually are.
CLEVELAND—Claiming that it has been a constant source of motivation throughout his career, Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green revealed to reporters Thursday that he is able to recite, completely from memory, the names of every single player drafted ahead of him in NBA history.
BALTIMORE—Providing a shrewd and ingenious take on the late boxer’s life, visionary Baltimore Sun columnist Jason Lowe reportedly asserted Monday that Muhammad Ali’s greatest fight did not, in fact, take place in the ring.
WASHINGTON—Speaking out on the legacy of one of the 20th century’s most towering figures in both sports and the civil rights movement following his recent passing, dozens of social issues reported Monday that they were extremely thankful they never had to go toe-to-toe with Muhammad Ali.
PHILADELPHIA—Reflecting on his career aspirations after being selected by the Philadelphia Eagles in the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft, rookie quarterback Carson Wentz admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is simply hoping to skip to the part where he is a respected veteran backup.
LOUISVILLE, KY—Having trotted to an underpass on the outskirts of the city where they were surrounded by numerous entourages and bikini-clad women, over a dozen unregistered horses reportedly met under the cover of darkness Saturday for an illegal Kentucky Street Derby.
CHICAGO—Following the 21-year-old linebacker’s selection in the sixth round, reports confirmed Thursday that the conclusion of the 2016 NFL Draft marked the final time that linebacker Lawrence Davies’ character will ever be scrutinized by his new head coach.
LONDONーShortly after Leicester City’s improbable title run culminated in the club clinching their first championship, executives from the Premier League issued a statement Sunday vowing that order will soon be restored.
LEICESTER, ENGLAND—In anticipation of the club’s first-ever top-flight league championship in its 132-year history, officials from the Leicestershire Police announced Monday that they have deployed additional forces in order to join in with Leicester City fans celebrating their Premier League title.
CHICAGO—Honoring his many achievements both on and off the field throughout his glittering career, the Phillie Phanatic was officially inducted Monday into the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame.
CHICAGO—Stressing that “it’s only April” and that “there’s a lot of baseball still to play,” Cubs fans throughout Chicago told reporters Thursday that they remain cautiously optimistic about their World Series chances after pitcher Jake Arrieta threw his eighth no-hitter of the season, with the team scoring over 30 runs for the 12th straight game.
BRISTOL, CT—Following his recent termination from ESPN as a result of his controversial comments regarding transgender rights, baseball commentator and former Major League pitcher Curt Schilling told reporters Thursday he is quietly relieved he will no longer need to censor himself for three hours each week on Monday Night Baseball.
NEW BERLIN, WI—Making sure to date the page before recording all the juiciest and most private details from his daily exercise routine, local gym-goer Phillip Keller reportedly took out his precious little diary Thursday in order to keep track of his workout.
ATLANTA—Stressing that most of the competitions over the past several seasons have been “boring” and “totally unwatchable,” Hall of Famer and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley insisted Monday night that modern basketball fans wouldn’t stand a chance of winning during the far tougher halftime contests of the 1990s.
LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant.
HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year.
DALLAS—Following the pro golfer’s historic collapse during the final holes of the Masters Tournament, Jordan Spieth’s family members confirmed Monday that they will probably wait a few days before asking him what the fuck happened.
AUGUSTA, GA—Expressing their unease at the veteran sportscaster’s behavior as they prepared for the second round of the Masters, multiple golfers told reporters Friday that Jim Nantz has been sitting in the corner of the Augusta National clubhouse locker room and watching them change.
ARLINGTON, TX—Complaining that he should have dropped the habit a long time ago, members of the Texas Rangers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are constantly disgusted by first baseman Prince Fielder’s tendency to leave chewed-up baseball bats all over the dugout.
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship.