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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

Vice President Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan will square off in their first and only debate Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY. Here’s how the candidates plan to win over crucial independent voters:

  • Ryan to assure independent voters he won’t have any say on policy matters if elected
  • Biden to get dressed up, tie and everything
  • As closing statements approach, Ryan must keep his urge for a Muscle Milk in check
  • Biden to wear actual American flag, pinned to chest
  • Ryan to offer to explain his tax plan, look around, and then say what a shame it is that there’s no chalkboard he could use
  • Biden to take every opportunity to remind voters he travels by choo-choo train
  • Ryan to smile through his answers like a piece of shit
  • Regardless of party affiliation, each nominee must do exact opposite of what Obama did

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