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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

Vice President Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan will square off in their first and only debate Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY. Here’s how the candidates plan to win over crucial independent voters:

  • Ryan to assure independent voters he won’t have any say on policy matters if elected
  • Biden to get dressed up, tie and everything
  • As closing statements approach, Ryan must keep his urge for a Muscle Milk in check
  • Biden to wear actual American flag, pinned to chest
  • Ryan to offer to explain his tax plan, look around, and then say what a shame it is that there’s no chalkboard he could use
  • Biden to take every opportunity to remind voters he travels by choo-choo train
  • Ryan to smile through his answers like a piece of shit
  • Regardless of party affiliation, each nominee must do exact opposite of what Obama did

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