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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

Vice President Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan will square off in their first and only debate Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY. Here’s how the candidates plan to win over crucial independent voters:

  • Ryan to assure independent voters he won’t have any say on policy matters if elected
  • Biden to get dressed up, tie and everything
  • As closing statements approach, Ryan must keep his urge for a Muscle Milk in check
  • Biden to wear actual American flag, pinned to chest
  • Ryan to offer to explain his tax plan, look around, and then say what a shame it is that there’s no chalkboard he could use
  • Biden to take every opportunity to remind voters he travels by choo-choo train
  • Ryan to smile through his answers like a piece of shit
  • Regardless of party affiliation, each nominee must do exact opposite of what Obama did

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