adBlockCheck

Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

Top Headlines

Politics

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

Vice President Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan will square off in their first and only debate Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY. Here’s how the candidates plan to win over crucial independent voters:

  • Ryan to assure independent voters he won’t have any say on policy matters if elected
  • Biden to get dressed up, tie and everything
  • As closing statements approach, Ryan must keep his urge for a Muscle Milk in check
  • Biden to wear actual American flag, pinned to chest
  • Ryan to offer to explain his tax plan, look around, and then say what a shame it is that there’s no chalkboard he could use
  • Biden to take every opportunity to remind voters he travels by choo-choo train
  • Ryan to smile through his answers like a piece of shit
  • Regardless of party affiliation, each nominee must do exact opposite of what Obama did

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close