adBlockCheck

Kim Jong Il's Successor

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Kim Jong Il's Successor

North Korean president Kim Jong Il recently named his 25-year-old son Kim Jong Un as the nation's next leader. What qualifications does Kim's youngest son bring with him?

Has 8 million pre-painted portraits of himself ready to distribute to the populace at a moment's notice

Displayed a complete disregard for U.N. resolutions from a very early age

Pretty good friends with Putin's kids

Has two nonfunctional but symbolic iron fists grafted onto his arms

Projects a powerful authoritarian air over his countrymen by appearing adequately nourished

Shares two out of three names with arguably the greatest leader in Far East Asian history

Has shown a lifelong, devoted lack of interest in behaving normally in any way

Is able to slap people across the face effectively with either hand

On the day of Jong Un's birth, all farmers reaped twice as much from the earth, the rivers overflowed with carp, and the lapping ocean waves murmured the new leader's name

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close