Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All

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Vol 46 Issue 15

Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide

ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All

An unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey by Kitty Kelley, writer of controversial books on Elizabeth Taylor and Nancy Reagan, was published Tuesday. Here are some of the book's revelations:

  • "Harpo" actually just an anagram of her name, Proha
  • Owns variety of fat suits that she'll toss on when tabloid attention starts to wane
  • Keeps all of her Emmys swaddled in a pink satin-lined crib up in the attic
  • Sends successful authors in her book club a black rose every year to remind them that she can destroy them as easily as she created them
  • Allows partner Stedman Graham exactly five minutes and 45 seconds of intercourse every six weeks
  • Requires a new inspirational poem from Maya Angelou twice a day
  • Her California estate has 24 bedrooms, 17 bathrooms, and two McDonald's restaurants
  • Wasn't actually the first person to come up with the idea of asking another person questions
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