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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All

An unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey by Kitty Kelley, writer of controversial books on Elizabeth Taylor and Nancy Reagan, was published Tuesday. Here are some of the book's revelations:

  • "Harpo" actually just an anagram of her name, Proha
  • Owns variety of fat suits that she'll toss on when tabloid attention starts to wane
  • Keeps all of her Emmys swaddled in a pink satin-lined crib up in the attic
  • Sends successful authors in her book club a black rose every year to remind them that she can destroy them as easily as she created them
  • Allows partner Stedman Graham exactly five minutes and 45 seconds of intercourse every six weeks
  • Requires a new inspirational poem from Maya Angelou twice a day
  • Her California estate has 24 bedrooms, 17 bathrooms, and two McDonald's restaurants
  • Wasn't actually the first person to come up with the idea of asking another person questions
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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