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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Kitty Kelley Pens Oprah Tell-All

An unauthorized biography of Oprah Winfrey by Kitty Kelley, writer of controversial books on Elizabeth Taylor and Nancy Reagan, was published Tuesday. Here are some of the book's revelations:

  • "Harpo" actually just an anagram of her name, Proha
  • Owns variety of fat suits that she'll toss on when tabloid attention starts to wane
  • Keeps all of her Emmys swaddled in a pink satin-lined crib up in the attic
  • Sends successful authors in her book club a black rose every year to remind them that she can destroy them as easily as she created them
  • Allows partner Stedman Graham exactly five minutes and 45 seconds of intercourse every six weeks
  • Requires a new inspirational poem from Maya Angelou twice a day
  • Her California estate has 24 bedrooms, 17 bathrooms, and two McDonald's restaurants
  • Wasn't actually the first person to come up with the idea of asking another person questions

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