Kurt Warner Cheered On By Wire-Haired Man-Goblin

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Vol 38 Issue 04

Jerry Always Willing To Pick Up Overtime

BOISE, ID— Boise Tool & Die sources reported Monday that machinist Jerry Tepper, 48, is always willing to pick up overtime, should anyone wish to cut out early. "I don't know, maybe his wife is sick or something," foreman Don Jeske said. "Whatever the reason, Jerry's the go-to guy if you're looking to take off. He just can't resist the extra cash."

Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling

NASHUA, NH— A TV ad for WhaleSave sufficiently irritated local resident Nathan Mimms to cause him to reverse his longtime anti-whaling stance. "Christ, this is annoying," said Mimms during a Monday airing of the spot, which features images of majestic whales rising out of the ocean as Enya's "Fallen Embers" plays. "Fuck the whales. I'd rather they go extinct if it means never having to see this ad again."

Philip Morris CEO Forces Senator To Dance For His Amusement

WASHINGTON, DC— Bored and in need of amusement, Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri commanded U.S. Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) to dance for him Monday. "Dance!" Camilleri told a whirling, diaper-clad Edwards as Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" blared. "And keep the beat, if you want that $275,000 contribution to your reelection campaign." Later this week, Edwards is slated to don a cowgirl costume and twirl sparklers to Phil Collins' "Sussudio" for General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner.

Film Critic Belatedly Comes Up With Swordfish Zinger

AMARILLO, TX— Some seven months after the film's theatrical release, Amarillo Globe-News movie critic Irwin Hough thought up a brilliant put-down for Swordfish Monday. "Make no mistake, I'm proud of the line I thought up at the time, 'This Fish should have been tossed back,'" Hough said. "But I have to admit, that just isn't as sharp as 'Swordfish is one cold fish that deserves to tank.'"

Report: Recently Laid-Off Workers Not Doing Enough To Help Economy

WASHINGTON, DC— According to a Labor Department report released Monday, Americans who lost their jobs in the past year are doing little to aid the recovery of the nation's economy. "Unemployed Americans are neglecting their patriotic duties by spending far less than the gainfully employed," the report read. "Until these laid-off workers start pitching in and buying things, America's economy will continue to stagnate." The report did note that jobless citizens have strongly supported America's fortified-wine industry.

The Tyson Split

On Jan. 17, Dr. Monica Tyson, wife of boxer Mike Tyson, filed for divorce. What grounds did she cite in the legal papers?

Indo-Pakistani Tensions Mount At Local Amoco

DETROIT—Indo-Pakistani tensions continue to escalate this week at the Eight-Mile and Telegraph Road Amoco, where hostilities between owner Rajesh Srinivasan and in-store Subway mini-franchise manager Majid Ashraf threaten to spill over into all-out war.

Every Social Gathering Is A Chance To Hustle For Contacts

Social engagements mean different things to different people. For some, they're an occasion to get together with old friends and share some laughs. For others, they're a chance to maybe meet that special someone. For me, social gatherings are much more than that: They're a golden opportunity to hustle for contacts.
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