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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career

Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.

  • 1996: Tests reveal that Armstrong is suffering from cancer caused by toxic coolant leaking from a faulty turbocharger seal, trickling past his gearbox, and pooling in his testicles
  • 1998: Armstrong joins Team U.S. Postal Service, a long sponsorship that finally persuades Americans to mail things
  • 2000: Armstrong gradually wears the other riders down while displaying his superior endurance for endlessly chatting about testicular cancer.
  • 2001-2003: Embarrassing handlebar-tassel period
  • 2002: Stays ahead of the pack despite having to pull over to the side for blood transfusions every 20 miles
  • 2003: Armstrong wins his sixth Tour but later faces a messy public breakup with his longtime bike
  • 2004: Finishes grueling "Marriage" stage only to immediately set off on the torturous "Sheryl Crow" stage
  • 2005: Angrily denies allegations of getting a free ride from the American press
  • 2006: Wins Tour de France on exercise bike in basement

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