adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career

Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.

  • 1996: Tests reveal that Armstrong is suffering from cancer caused by toxic coolant leaking from a faulty turbocharger seal, trickling past his gearbox, and pooling in his testicles
  • 1998: Armstrong joins Team U.S. Postal Service, a long sponsorship that finally persuades Americans to mail things
  • 2000: Armstrong gradually wears the other riders down while displaying his superior endurance for endlessly chatting about testicular cancer.
  • 2001-2003: Embarrassing handlebar-tassel period
  • 2002: Stays ahead of the pack despite having to pull over to the side for blood transfusions every 20 miles
  • 2003: Armstrong wins his sixth Tour but later faces a messy public breakup with his longtime bike
  • 2004: Finishes grueling "Marriage" stage only to immediately set off on the torturous "Sheryl Crow" stage
  • 2005: Angrily denies allegations of getting a free ride from the American press
  • 2006: Wins Tour de France on exercise bike in basement

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close