Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career

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Vol 46 Issue 30

Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship.

New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion

PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
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Lance Armstrong's Tour De France Career

Seven-time champ Armstrong will almost certainly retire from cycling following his crash-ridden swan song in this year's Tour, but he leaves fans with many memories.

  • 1996: Tests reveal that Armstrong is suffering from cancer caused by toxic coolant leaking from a faulty turbocharger seal, trickling past his gearbox, and pooling in his testicles
  • 1998: Armstrong joins Team U.S. Postal Service, a long sponsorship that finally persuades Americans to mail things
  • 2000: Armstrong gradually wears the other riders down while displaying his superior endurance for endlessly chatting about testicular cancer.
  • 2001-2003: Embarrassing handlebar-tassel period
  • 2002: Stays ahead of the pack despite having to pull over to the side for blood transfusions every 20 miles
  • 2003: Armstrong wins his sixth Tour but later faces a messy public breakup with his longtime bike
  • 2004: Finishes grueling "Marriage" stage only to immediately set off on the torturous "Sheryl Crow" stage
  • 2005: Angrily denies allegations of getting a free ride from the American press
  • 2006: Wins Tour de France on exercise bike in basement
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