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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Last Shuttle Launched Into Space

The launch of Atlantis last week marked the final mission of NASA's shuttle program. Here are some key moments in space shuttle history:

  • 1977: The flight-worthiness of the orbiter prototype Enterprise is tested by launching the craft from a straddling position atop a modified Boeing 747 carrier aircraft, another telling indication of the increased sexual permissiveness of the 1970s
  • 1984: The Discovery sets an all-time high score of 15,330, blasting more than 150 asteroids with its laser cannon during a November mission
  • 1985: Atlantis is outfitted with a CD player instead of a turntable
  • 1992: Acknowledging the nation's shortened attention span, the countdown to launch is truncated to "four, three, two, one"
  • 1994: Only half the Endeavour's crew shows up for its flight, allowing mission specialist David Wolf to stretch out across the empty aisle, middle, and window seats
  • 1995: Space shuttle Atlantis makes its first visit to Russian space station Mir, where the astronauts are forced to choke down powdered vodka shots
  • 1998: In honor of 77-year-old former Mercury program astronaut John Glenn's historic ride aboard the Discovery, the crew pilot lands the space shuttle in a violent free-fall splashdown in the Pacific Ocean
  • 2001: The space shuttle program is renewed for another decade immediately after President Bush watches Space Cowboys

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