NEW YORK—CBS programming executives reiterated their insistence Monday that the network's new medical drama L.A. Doctors is not some kind of joke. "We are putting out a show called L.A. Doctors and are doing so with no humorous intent," CBS president Leslie Moonves said. "Each week, the triumphs and tribulations of a group of attractive young Los Angeles doctors will be sincerely dramatized on this not-a-joke program." CBS is rolling out a high-profile promo campaign for L.A. Doctors featuring the slogan, "We Are Honestly Not Kidding About This Show."
HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.
DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."
BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance.
LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.
Item! All across America, kids are putting on their Zoot Suits and lining up around the block to swing dance again! Sparked by the smash-hit Gap ad, the swing craze is really taking off! In fact, so many people are doing the "Lindberg Hop," the "Shoe-Buckle Shake" and the "Over The River And Through The Woods," it's like it's 1943 all over again! Hey, is that Adolf Hitler over there cutting a rug with Eva Braun? I think it is!
Please, everybody, don't feel sad. I understand how bad you all feel inside. I know it must seem so awful to you, but there's no reason to be blue. Everything's okay, don't you see? Turn that frown upside down. I'm in Heaven now, singing with the pretty angels.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Tossing and turning way past his beddy-bye, delicate little man Jeremy Palazola was reportedly unable to sleep Tuesday night because he drank a teensy bit of coffee after four o’clock.