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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far

With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point.

  • 1991: In wake of humiliating defeat on playground basketball court, vows he will someday become second-greatest basketball player of all time
  • July 8, 1992: After wasting seven years of life in dysfunctional household, abruptly abandons mother to join other family with better basketball program
  • 1996: Named to the NBA’s “50 Greatest Players of All Time” list
  • 2002: Becomes youngest high school basketball player to be featured on cover of Fangoria
  • 2003: After being drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers, manages to mask his shout of “fuck!” to sound like a cough
  • 2008: Wins $5.4 million settlement from YouTube user cavsfan99 who uploaded a compilation of LeBron James dunks without permission
  • 2009: Switches number from 23 to 6 out of respect for his jersey sales
  • July 8, 2010: Orchestrates “The Decision,” a wicked satire of the sports media’s penchant for manufactured drama and inane commentary
  • July 9, 2010: Quietly relocates to Miami
  • 2011: Devotes grueling offseason to making self more likable
  • 2013: Manages to make it through another day blocking out the thought of Delonte West fucking his mom

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