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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far

With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point.

  • 1991: In wake of humiliating defeat on playground basketball court, vows he will someday become second-greatest basketball player of all time
  • July 8, 1992: After wasting seven years of life in dysfunctional household, abruptly abandons mother to join other family with better basketball program
  • 1996: Named to the NBA’s “50 Greatest Players of All Time” list
  • 2002: Becomes youngest high school basketball player to be featured on cover of Fangoria
  • 2003: After being drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers, manages to mask his shout of “fuck!” to sound like a cough
  • 2008: Wins $5.4 million settlement from YouTube user cavsfan99 who uploaded a compilation of LeBron James dunks without permission
  • 2009: Switches number from 23 to 6 out of respect for his jersey sales
  • July 8, 2010: Orchestrates “The Decision,” a wicked satire of the sports media’s penchant for manufactured drama and inane commentary
  • July 9, 2010: Quietly relocates to Miami
  • 2011: Devotes grueling offseason to making self more likable
  • 2013: Manages to make it through another day blocking out the thought of Delonte West fucking his mom

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