adBlockCheck

LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far

With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point.

  • 1991: In wake of humiliating defeat on playground basketball court, vows he will someday become second-greatest basketball player of all time
  • July 8, 1992: After wasting seven years of life in dysfunctional household, abruptly abandons mother to join other family with better basketball program
  • 1996: Named to the NBA’s “50 Greatest Players of All Time” list
  • 2002: Becomes youngest high school basketball player to be featured on cover of Fangoria
  • 2003: After being drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers, manages to mask his shout of “fuck!” to sound like a cough
  • 2008: Wins $5.4 million settlement from YouTube user cavsfan99 who uploaded a compilation of LeBron James dunks without permission
  • 2009: Switches number from 23 to 6 out of respect for his jersey sales
  • July 8, 2010: Orchestrates “The Decision,” a wicked satire of the sports media’s penchant for manufactured drama and inane commentary
  • July 9, 2010: Quietly relocates to Miami
  • 2011: Devotes grueling offseason to making self more likable
  • 2013: Manages to make it through another day blocking out the thought of Delonte West fucking his mom

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close