adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Legendary Athlete Splurges

Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history.

  • 1956: Bart Starr celebrates his rookie contract with the Packers by sitting down to a nice steak dinner with corn and extra mashed potatoes
  • 2001: Manny Ramirez buys $160 million in scratch-off lottery tickets
  • 2002: Two years after the Texas Rangers make him the nation's highest-paid athlete, Alex Rodriguez returns the favor by buying manager Buck Showalter his very own Chan Ho Park
  • 2002: Donovan McNabb surprises the Eagles offensive line with those sapphire pendants they had been admiring at Kay Jewelers
  • 2003: Jerome Bettis commemorates his lackluster 811-yard season by presenting his offensive linemen with gold-colored Timexes
  • 2004: After signing a seven-year, $99.2 million contract, Peyton Manning places $10,000 in Roth IRAs for each player on the Colts' roster
  • 2007: Prince Fielder "makes it rain," showering the cashiers at Dairy Queen with $100 bills
  • 2008: After the final game of his eight-year, $120 million contract, perennial disappointment Mike Hampton buys all his teammates gold rings inscribed with the words "Mike Hampton Is Very Rich"

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close