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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Legendary Athlete Splurges

Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history.

  • 1956: Bart Starr celebrates his rookie contract with the Packers by sitting down to a nice steak dinner with corn and extra mashed potatoes
  • 2001: Manny Ramirez buys $160 million in scratch-off lottery tickets
  • 2002: Two years after the Texas Rangers make him the nation's highest-paid athlete, Alex Rodriguez returns the favor by buying manager Buck Showalter his very own Chan Ho Park
  • 2002: Donovan McNabb surprises the Eagles offensive line with those sapphire pendants they had been admiring at Kay Jewelers
  • 2003: Jerome Bettis commemorates his lackluster 811-yard season by presenting his offensive linemen with gold-colored Timexes
  • 2004: After signing a seven-year, $99.2 million contract, Peyton Manning places $10,000 in Roth IRAs for each player on the Colts' roster
  • 2007: Prince Fielder "makes it rain," showering the cashiers at Dairy Queen with $100 bills
  • 2008: After the final game of his eight-year, $120 million contract, perennial disappointment Mike Hampton buys all his teammates gold rings inscribed with the words "Mike Hampton Is Very Rich"

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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