Legendary Athlete Splurges

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Vol 46 Issue 10

Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.
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Legendary Athlete Splurges

Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history.

  • 1956: Bart Starr celebrates his rookie contract with the Packers by sitting down to a nice steak dinner with corn and extra mashed potatoes
  • 2001: Manny Ramirez buys $160 million in scratch-off lottery tickets
  • 2002: Two years after the Texas Rangers make him the nation's highest-paid athlete, Alex Rodriguez returns the favor by buying manager Buck Showalter his very own Chan Ho Park
  • 2002: Donovan McNabb surprises the Eagles offensive line with those sapphire pendants they had been admiring at Kay Jewelers
  • 2003: Jerome Bettis commemorates his lackluster 811-yard season by presenting his offensive linemen with gold-colored Timexes
  • 2004: After signing a seven-year, $99.2 million contract, Peyton Manning places $10,000 in Roth IRAs for each player on the Colts' roster
  • 2007: Prince Fielder "makes it rain," showering the cashiers at Dairy Queen with $100 bills
  • 2008: After the final game of his eight-year, $120 million contract, perennial disappointment Mike Hampton buys all his teammates gold rings inscribed with the words "Mike Hampton Is Very Rich"
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