Legendary Athlete Splurges

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Legendary Athlete Splurges

Julius Peppers signed a big Bears contract and bought pricey bottles of champagne for an entire nightclub, but it wasn't the biggest flashing of cash in sports history.

  • 1956: Bart Starr celebrates his rookie contract with the Packers by sitting down to a nice steak dinner with corn and extra mashed potatoes
  • 2001: Manny Ramirez buys $160 million in scratch-off lottery tickets
  • 2002: Two years after the Texas Rangers make him the nation's highest-paid athlete, Alex Rodriguez returns the favor by buying manager Buck Showalter his very own Chan Ho Park
  • 2002: Donovan McNabb surprises the Eagles offensive line with those sapphire pendants they had been admiring at Kay Jewelers
  • 2003: Jerome Bettis commemorates his lackluster 811-yard season by presenting his offensive linemen with gold-colored Timexes
  • 2004: After signing a seven-year, $99.2 million contract, Peyton Manning places $10,000 in Roth IRAs for each player on the Colts' roster
  • 2007: Prince Fielder "makes it rain," showering the cashiers at Dairy Queen with $100 bills
  • 2008: After the final game of his eight-year, $120 million contract, perennial disappointment Mike Hampton buys all his teammates gold rings inscribed with the words "Mike Hampton Is Very Rich"


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