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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Lesser-Known Awards In Major League Baseball

With Major League Baseball handing out its 2008 seasonal awards this week, Onion Sports runs down the more obscure offerings:

The John Kruk Award: Given to the first baseman with the highest batting average and one testicle

Hardware House Inc. Tarp of the Year Award: Goes to the year's most effective tarp

The Jim Abbott Award: Honors the player with the highest OPS in the National League

Tums Trophy: Bestowed upon the player with the most-improved digestion in the league

Player of the Inning Pen: Awarded every inning of each game to the player who best exemplifies that inning

The Wade Boggs Award: Trophy presented to any third baseman who catches at least one fly ball during the regular season

Batter of the Future Award: Recognizes each league's best guy on deck

Participant of the Year: Conferred upon the last few players not to get awards

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