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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Lesser-Known College Football Awards

Not every college football award has the prestige of the Heisman, Maxwell, or Lombardi trophies. Onion Sports runs down some of the more notable but less visible:

NFL Contract: Awarded to the top 1 percent of all college players each year, as voted by NFL front-office personnel

Bobby Bowden Award: Awarded each year by, and to, Bobby Bowden

Outstanding Defensive Coordination For A Variety, Music, Or Football Program: Past winners include Bud Yorkin for Jack Benny television specials, Dave Wilson for NBC's Saturday Night, and Ron English for Michigan

Warren Sapp Memorial Trophy: Given every year in the hopes that former University of Miami lineman Warren Sapp will die

The Ray Guy Award: Apparently for punters, of all things

Charles "Buckets" Goldenberg Trophy: Given annually to college football's Jewish player

Don Davey All-American Scholarship Award: NCAA football's top honor for academic excellence, last awarded in 1993

Craftsman Tools Elvis Presley Trophy: Given to the college football player who wins the Memphis Motorsports Park 250 NASCAR Truck Series race

The Tony George Memorial Low Whistle: Given to the quarterback that couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, but holy hell, did you see how far that kid threw it?

The Rudy Ruettiger Trophy: Actually more of an ice-cream cone than a trophy, really

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