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Lesser-Known College Football Awards

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Lesser-Known College Football Awards

Not every college football award has the prestige of the Heisman, Maxwell, or Lombardi trophies. Onion Sports runs down some of the more notable but less visible:

NFL Contract: Awarded to the top 1 percent of all college players each year, as voted by NFL front-office personnel

Bobby Bowden Award: Awarded each year by, and to, Bobby Bowden

Outstanding Defensive Coordination For A Variety, Music, Or Football Program: Past winners include Bud Yorkin for Jack Benny television specials, Dave Wilson for NBC's Saturday Night, and Ron English for Michigan

Warren Sapp Memorial Trophy: Given every year in the hopes that former University of Miami lineman Warren Sapp will die

The Ray Guy Award: Apparently for punters, of all things

Charles "Buckets" Goldenberg Trophy: Given annually to college football's Jewish player

Don Davey All-American Scholarship Award: NCAA football's top honor for academic excellence, last awarded in 1993

Craftsman Tools Elvis Presley Trophy: Given to the college football player who wins the Memphis Motorsports Park 250 NASCAR Truck Series race

The Tony George Memorial Low Whistle: Given to the quarterback that couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, but holy hell, did you see how far that kid threw it?

The Rudy Ruettiger Trophy: Actually more of an ice-cream cone than a trophy, really

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