adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Lesser-Known Steroids

Primabolan and Dianabol get all the attention, but they are hardly the only steroids available. Here are some of the more obscure:

Bananabolic Blast: The first fruit-flavored steroid not only helps build up cellular tissue, but also delivers the FDA's recommended daily intake of potassium

Estrogen: Popularized by A-Rod, who religiously injected this steroid in an effort to speed up his swing by strengthening his cervix, adding mass to his labia, and slimming down his rectouterine pouch

Barry Bonds' Bone Marrow: Although it is difficult to obtain due to the thick layers of muscle and dense connective tissue that surround it, this supplement is exceptionally potent

Crystal Methandrostenolone: An anabolic steroid cooked up from brake fluid and Sudafed in trailer parks by toothless bikers

19-Nortestosterone: Athletes keep taking this junk, even though they know full well that the oxygen is double-bonded to the 19th carbon group

Ergosterol: This fungal steroid allows athletes to absorb nutrients, grow hyphae, and spore more effectively

Document Clamp on the Nuts: Not so much a steroid as a method of increasing aggression and adrenaline output by fastening a large document clamp right on your nuts

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close