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Lesser-Known Steroids

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Lesser-Known Steroids

Primabolan and Dianabol get all the attention, but they are hardly the only steroids available. Here are some of the more obscure:

Bananabolic Blast: The first fruit-flavored steroid not only helps build up cellular tissue, but also delivers the FDA's recommended daily intake of potassium

Estrogen: Popularized by A-Rod, who religiously injected this steroid in an effort to speed up his swing by strengthening his cervix, adding mass to his labia, and slimming down his rectouterine pouch

Barry Bonds' Bone Marrow: Although it is difficult to obtain due to the thick layers of muscle and dense connective tissue that surround it, this supplement is exceptionally potent

Crystal Methandrostenolone: An anabolic steroid cooked up from brake fluid and Sudafed in trailer parks by toothless bikers

19-Nortestosterone: Athletes keep taking this junk, even though they know full well that the oxygen is double-bonded to the 19th carbon group

Ergosterol: This fungal steroid allows athletes to absorb nutrients, grow hyphae, and spore more effectively

Document Clamp on the Nuts: Not so much a steroid as a method of increasing aggression and adrenaline output by fastening a large document clamp right on your nuts

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