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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Limbaugh Accusations

Last week, Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms in an ad promoting stem-cell research. Here are Limbaugh's other recent targets, and his reasons for attacking them:

  • Unborn babies: For having tempting stem cells to begin with
  • Slipknot: Were excellent in beginning, but did not show growth necessary to ensure a band's sustained success
  • Ann Coulter: Attacked 9/11 widows before he had a chance to
  • That Mongoloid kid back in coach: His nonstop screaming made it impossible to enjoy screening of Failure To Launch
  • Girl Scout Troop #93: Ran out of Samoas before reaching his home
  • His listeners: Did not agree quickly enough
  • Cigar Aficionado Editor-In-Chief Marvin Shanken: Failed to accurately portray Limbaugh's love of cigars
  • God: Endowed him with far too much talent

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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