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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Limbaugh Accusations

Last week, Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms in an ad promoting stem-cell research. Here are Limbaugh's other recent targets, and his reasons for attacking them:

  • Unborn babies: For having tempting stem cells to begin with
  • Slipknot: Were excellent in beginning, but did not show growth necessary to ensure a band's sustained success
  • Ann Coulter: Attacked 9/11 widows before he had a chance to
  • That Mongoloid kid back in coach: His nonstop screaming made it impossible to enjoy screening of Failure To Launch
  • Girl Scout Troop #93: Ran out of Samoas before reaching his home
  • His listeners: Did not agree quickly enough
  • Cigar Aficionado Editor-In-Chief Marvin Shanken: Failed to accurately portray Limbaugh's love of cigars
  • God: Endowed him with far too much talent

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