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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Limbaugh Accusations

Last week, Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson's disease symptoms in an ad promoting stem-cell research. Here are Limbaugh's other recent targets, and his reasons for attacking them:

  • Unborn babies: For having tempting stem cells to begin with
  • Slipknot: Were excellent in beginning, but did not show growth necessary to ensure a band's sustained success
  • Ann Coulter: Attacked 9/11 widows before he had a chance to
  • That Mongoloid kid back in coach: His nonstop screaming made it impossible to enjoy screening of Failure To Launch
  • Girl Scout Troop #93: Ran out of Samoas before reaching his home
  • His listeners: Did not agree quickly enough
  • Cigar Aficionado Editor-In-Chief Marvin Shanken: Failed to accurately portray Limbaugh's love of cigars
  • God: Endowed him with far too much talent
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