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Little-Known Facts About The Founding Fathers

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Little-Known Facts About The Founding Fathers

On the Fourth of July, citizens across the country will gather with friends and family to celebrate the United States of America and the Founding Fathers who established our democracy. Here are some facts you may not know about the founders of our country:

  • While drafting the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers roasted and ate one bald eagle every night
  • Many of the original Founding Fathers toured the world after 1776 to found several other countries besides the United States, including Thailand, Lichtenstein, and Uruguay
  • Many of the Founding Fathers opposed slavery, but, you know, not really enough to do anything about it
  • All of them were Caucasian
  • The Founding Fathers’ average net worth, when not adjusted for inflation, would make them among the poorest Americans in the modern U.S.
  • The Founding Fathers were all villainous traitors to the glorious British Empire
  • One of the fondest memories many of the Founding Fathers wrote of was when Benjamin Franklin said, “John, can you hand me that pen?” and then both John Jay and John Adams looked up
  • Though he didn’t tell anyone, Thomas Jefferson secretly hated liberty
  • In today’s dollars, the Founding Fathers owe more than $25.8 million in back child support
  • There were no Founding Fathers named Kevin
  • After briefly questioning whether such a stipulation could open the door to widespread violence among American citizens, the Founding Fathers decided to leave the Second Amendment in the Bill of Rights, as it seemed pretty clear that it pertained solely to regulated military units
  • The Founding Fathers have never once rolled over in their graves

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