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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Little-Known Facts About The Founding Fathers

On the Fourth of July, citizens across the country will gather with friends and family to celebrate the United States of America and the Founding Fathers who established our democracy. Here are some facts you may not know about the founders of our country:

  • While drafting the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers roasted and ate one bald eagle every night
  • Many of the original Founding Fathers toured the world after 1776 to found several other countries besides the United States, including Thailand, Lichtenstein, and Uruguay
  • Many of the Founding Fathers opposed slavery, but, you know, not really enough to do anything about it
  • All of them were Caucasian
  • The Founding Fathers’ average net worth, when not adjusted for inflation, would make them among the poorest Americans in the modern U.S.
  • The Founding Fathers were all villainous traitors to the glorious British Empire
  • One of the fondest memories many of the Founding Fathers wrote of was when Benjamin Franklin said, “John, can you hand me that pen?” and then both John Jay and John Adams looked up
  • Though he didn’t tell anyone, Thomas Jefferson secretly hated liberty
  • In today’s dollars, the Founding Fathers owe more than $25.8 million in back child support
  • There were no Founding Fathers named Kevin
  • After briefly questioning whether such a stipulation could open the door to widespread violence among American citizens, the Founding Fathers decided to leave the Second Amendment in the Bill of Rights, as it seemed pretty clear that it pertained solely to regulated military units
  • The Founding Fathers have never once rolled over in their graves

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