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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Little League World Series Highlights

  • After putting on a special batting helmet and protective vest as well as an ankle brace and two batting gloves, Scott Gordon strikes out on three straight pitches
  • For the first time since the 1983 LLWS, more players are called "tiger" than "scout"
  • The Japanese team is brought in front of a Little League tribunal after defying mercy rule conventions in a 417-2 romp of Saudi Arabia
  • Jake Hewitt's mom from the Peabody, MA team says she's going to get water for everyone but comes back with Gatorades and it's awesome
  • The Urbandale team sets a new LLWS record by crying for a straight 22 minutes after losing
  • Georgia player Kyle King slides headfirst so as to avoid breaking the crack vials in his back pocket
  • During a visit to the Little League Hall of Fame, tournament participants rush to the plaques of their heroes: Danny, Todd, and Kyle
  • ESPN momentarily stops the telecast after an onscreen graphic shows that Jason Ferrell's favorite sexual position is the reverse cowgirl
  • The Staten Island team representing the Mid-Atlantic sets an LLWS record with 85 "fuckin's" and 38 "faggots"

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