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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Little League World Series Highlights

  • After putting on a special batting helmet and protective vest as well as an ankle brace and two batting gloves, Scott Gordon strikes out on three straight pitches
  • For the first time since the 1983 LLWS, more players are called "tiger" than "scout"
  • The Japanese team is brought in front of a Little League tribunal after defying mercy rule conventions in a 417-2 romp of Saudi Arabia
  • Jake Hewitt's mom from the Peabody, MA team says she's going to get water for everyone but comes back with Gatorades and it's awesome
  • The Urbandale team sets a new LLWS record by crying for a straight 22 minutes after losing
  • Georgia player Kyle King slides headfirst so as to avoid breaking the crack vials in his back pocket
  • During a visit to the Little League Hall of Fame, tournament participants rush to the plaques of their heroes: Danny, Todd, and Kyle
  • ESPN momentarily stops the telecast after an onscreen graphic shows that Jason Ferrell's favorite sexual position is the reverse cowgirl
  • The Staten Island team representing the Mid-Atlantic sets an LLWS record with 85 "fuckin's" and 38 "faggots"

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