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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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A Look At The Class Of 2019

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2019, with the majority of students born in the year 1997. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

  • Most were only 12 years old when 2009 happened
  • 64th consecutive generation to save Texas Instruments from bankruptcy
  • They have never known a time when the majestic woolly mammoth roamed the Great Plains
  • Average of 3 students per class named after Korn guitarist James “Munky” Shaffer
  • Chalkboards, paper books, and VHS tapes are all items they’ve been told they don’t remember or recognize
  • Al Roker at a non-lethal body weight for over half their lives
  • More of these students than any before will be the second, third, or fourth generation of their families to inherit crippling student loan debt
  • Do not personally know anyone who perished in the Y2K disaster
  • More or less indistinguishable from the class of 2018


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