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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Lowlights From The Lions 19-Game Losing Streak

  • 9/14/08: Jon Kitna throws two picks to Charles Woodson on the same play
  • 9/28/08: Lions become first team to ever lose during their bye week, 24-10
  • 10/12/08: After years of wondering, QB Dan Orlovsky finally finds out what happens if the quarterback goes back for a pass and takes four or five steps out of the end zone
  • 11/3/08: Team signs Daunte Culpepper
  • 11/27/08: On top of all the shit that's been going on, Lions TE Michael Gaines gets gum on his shoe
  • 12/7/08: Lions actually outscore the Vikings 23-20 and still lose
  • 12/14/08: On the goal line with the game tied and seconds to go, Kevin Smith accidentally dives backward 100 yards and records a safety
  • 4/25/09: Though it had been rumored for months that the Lions would use their first pick to draft QB Matthew Stafford, this does not stop him from yelling "goddamn motherfucker" his entire time at the podium
  • 9/13/09: Before his first snap, Matt Stafford realizes the earth has traveled 1.3 billion miles since the last time the Lions won

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