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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Lowlights From The Lions 19-Game Losing Streak

  • 9/14/08: Jon Kitna throws two picks to Charles Woodson on the same play
  • 9/28/08: Lions become first team to ever lose during their bye week, 24-10
  • 10/12/08: After years of wondering, QB Dan Orlovsky finally finds out what happens if the quarterback goes back for a pass and takes four or five steps out of the end zone
  • 11/3/08: Team signs Daunte Culpepper
  • 11/27/08: On top of all the shit that's been going on, Lions TE Michael Gaines gets gum on his shoe
  • 12/7/08: Lions actually outscore the Vikings 23-20 and still lose
  • 12/14/08: On the goal line with the game tied and seconds to go, Kevin Smith accidentally dives backward 100 yards and records a safety
  • 4/25/09: Though it had been rumored for months that the Lions would use their first pick to draft QB Matthew Stafford, this does not stop him from yelling "goddamn motherfucker" his entire time at the podium
  • 9/13/09: Before his first snap, Matt Stafford realizes the earth has traveled 1.3 billion miles since the last time the Lions won

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