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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career

Wide receiver Chad Johnson's brief stint with the Miami Dolphins ended last week after the three-time All-Pro was arrested for a domestic dispute and subsequently cut from the team. Onion Sports looks at Johnson's most memorable low points.

  • 2001-2010: Member of Cincinnati Bengals
  • 2006: Injuries limit Johnson to just seven touchdown dances all season
  • 2008: Is told that "eighty-five" in Spanish is actually "ochenta y cinco" by a Muppet on Sesame Street
  • 2008: Publicly whines that he wants to be traded by Cincinnati after playing there for seven years, which is an embarrassingly long time to go without whining to get out of Cincinnati
  • 2009: Scores and then promptly, professionally hands ball back to official
  • 2010: Fined by the producers of Dancing With The Stars for showboating after a successful Viennese waltz
  • 2011: Accidentally looks directly into Bill Belichick’s cold, lifeless eyes during a Patriots practice
  • 2012: Changes last name back to ridiculous sounding “Johnson”
  • 2012: Stuck on Dolphins roster for more than 12 weeks

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