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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career

Wide receiver Chad Johnson's brief stint with the Miami Dolphins ended last week after the three-time All-Pro was arrested for a domestic dispute and subsequently cut from the team. Onion Sports looks at Johnson's most memorable low points.

  • 2001-2010: Member of Cincinnati Bengals
  • 2006: Injuries limit Johnson to just seven touchdown dances all season
  • 2008: Is told that "eighty-five" in Spanish is actually "ochenta y cinco" by a Muppet on Sesame Street
  • 2008: Publicly whines that he wants to be traded by Cincinnati after playing there for seven years, which is an embarrassingly long time to go without whining to get out of Cincinnati
  • 2009: Scores and then promptly, professionally hands ball back to official
  • 2010: Fined by the producers of Dancing With The Stars for showboating after a successful Viennese waltz
  • 2011: Accidentally looks directly into Bill Belichick’s cold, lifeless eyes during a Patriots practice
  • 2012: Changes last name back to ridiculous sounding “Johnson”
  • 2012: Stuck on Dolphins roster for more than 12 weeks

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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