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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career

Wide receiver Chad Johnson's brief stint with the Miami Dolphins ended last week after the three-time All-Pro was arrested for a domestic dispute and subsequently cut from the team. Onion Sports looks at Johnson's most memorable low points.

  • 2001-2010: Member of Cincinnati Bengals
  • 2006: Injuries limit Johnson to just seven touchdown dances all season
  • 2008: Is told that "eighty-five" in Spanish is actually "ochenta y cinco" by a Muppet on Sesame Street
  • 2008: Publicly whines that he wants to be traded by Cincinnati after playing there for seven years, which is an embarrassingly long time to go without whining to get out of Cincinnati
  • 2009: Scores and then promptly, professionally hands ball back to official
  • 2010: Fined by the producers of Dancing With The Stars for showboating after a successful Viennese waltz
  • 2011: Accidentally looks directly into Bill Belichick’s cold, lifeless eyes during a Patriots practice
  • 2012: Changes last name back to ridiculous sounding “Johnson”
  • 2012: Stuck on Dolphins roster for more than 12 weeks

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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