PHILADELPHIA–According to riders on the eastbound C bus, John Bolen, 23, made a conscious effort Monday to make the cover of Thomas Pynchon's The Crying Of Lot 49 visible to all on board. "Instead of resting the book on his lap or on the seat in front of him, he was holding it up in this really awkward, uncomfortable-looking way," rider Caryn Little said. "Then, every so often, he'd glance around to see if anyone was noticing what he was reading." Bolen vehemently denied the Pynchon-flaunting charges, insisting that "the light was bad" on the bus.
SAN FRANCISCO–Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but, mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems empty.
AUSTIN, TX–In a televised speech to the nation Monday, president-elect George W. Bush called for "an end to the era of political argument." "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "after a difficult period of partisan debate, the time has come for unanimity. We have seen how destructive it is when political rivals disagree, and we as a nation can no longer afford such ideological division." Bush said he is committed to making his presidency "The Age Of Assent."
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant metal rocket-ship. It turns out that the obelisk in which we were hiding as the murderous Society Of 800 Avenging Fists attacked my poor son N. Aeschylus was not an immobile object at all, but a powerful mortar-shell timed to automatically propel it-self from the Earth's grip.
LOS ANGELES–Across the nation, critics are unanimous in their praise of Brenda In The Ass 2: Butt Reams May Come, hailing the debut of porn director Ricky D'Alessandro as "the most exploitative, shamelessly masturbatory male-empowerment fantasy ever committed to video."
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.
Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...