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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters

The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last week, marking the latest in a string of high-profile black eyes for the company. Here are some other famous disasters in Carnival’s history:

  • May 24, 1975: Malfunctioning kitchen equipment forces Carnival Festivale passengers to go five minutes without eating
  • July 2, 1981: The Carnival Mardi Gras catches fire after a crewman accidently discards his cigarette in the Bales of Hay Room
  • Aug. 19, 1988: Passengers Denise Redmond and Carl Piper meet and hit if off
  • Sept. 5, 1997: The Carnival Jubilee is downed in the mid-Atlantic by a broadside cannon barrage from a Regent Seven Seas Cruises destroyer
  • Oct. 10, 2000: Elation becomes the third Carnival cruise ship to be destroyed by a falling meteor
  • June 12, 2004: The Carnival Glory capsizes and sinks after everyone rushes port side to see a dolphin hopping in and out of the water
  • Aug. 10, 2009: The Carnival Legend notices too late that it’s about to go over a really big waterfall!
  • Apr. 18, 2013: Emerging from port for the first time since its docking, the entire Carnival cruise ship Triumph spontaneously bursts into flames
  • June 28, 2091: The navigational system aboard the Carnival StarVoyage malfunctions, sending the space cruiser directly into the sun

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