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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters

The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last week, marking the latest in a string of high-profile black eyes for the company. Here are some other famous disasters in Carnival’s history:

  • May 24, 1975: Malfunctioning kitchen equipment forces Carnival Festivale passengers to go five minutes without eating
  • July 2, 1981: The Carnival Mardi Gras catches fire after a crewman accidently discards his cigarette in the Bales of Hay Room
  • Aug. 19, 1988: Passengers Denise Redmond and Carl Piper meet and hit if off
  • Sept. 5, 1997: The Carnival Jubilee is downed in the mid-Atlantic by a broadside cannon barrage from a Regent Seven Seas Cruises destroyer
  • Oct. 10, 2000: Elation becomes the third Carnival cruise ship to be destroyed by a falling meteor
  • June 12, 2004: The Carnival Glory capsizes and sinks after everyone rushes port side to see a dolphin hopping in and out of the water
  • Aug. 10, 2009: The Carnival Legend notices too late that it’s about to go over a really big waterfall!
  • Apr. 18, 2013: Emerging from port for the first time since its docking, the entire Carnival cruise ship Triumph spontaneously bursts into flames
  • June 28, 2091: The navigational system aboard the Carnival StarVoyage malfunctions, sending the space cruiser directly into the sun
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