adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters

The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last week, marking the latest in a string of high-profile black eyes for the company. Here are some other famous disasters in Carnival’s history:

  • May 24, 1975: Malfunctioning kitchen equipment forces Carnival Festivale passengers to go five minutes without eating
  • July 2, 1981: The Carnival Mardi Gras catches fire after a crewman accidently discards his cigarette in the Bales of Hay Room
  • Aug. 19, 1988: Passengers Denise Redmond and Carl Piper meet and hit if off
  • Sept. 5, 1997: The Carnival Jubilee is downed in the mid-Atlantic by a broadside cannon barrage from a Regent Seven Seas Cruises destroyer
  • Oct. 10, 2000: Elation becomes the third Carnival cruise ship to be destroyed by a falling meteor
  • June 12, 2004: The Carnival Glory capsizes and sinks after everyone rushes port side to see a dolphin hopping in and out of the water
  • Aug. 10, 2009: The Carnival Legend notices too late that it’s about to go over a really big waterfall!
  • Apr. 18, 2013: Emerging from port for the first time since its docking, the entire Carnival cruise ship Triumph spontaneously bursts into flames
  • June 28, 2091: The navigational system aboard the Carnival StarVoyage malfunctions, sending the space cruiser directly into the sun

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close