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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters

The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last week, marking the latest in a string of high-profile black eyes for the company. Here are some other famous disasters in Carnival’s history:

  • May 24, 1975: Malfunctioning kitchen equipment forces Carnival Festivale passengers to go five minutes without eating
  • July 2, 1981: The Carnival Mardi Gras catches fire after a crewman accidently discards his cigarette in the Bales of Hay Room
  • Aug. 19, 1988: Passengers Denise Redmond and Carl Piper meet and hit if off
  • Sept. 5, 1997: The Carnival Jubilee is downed in the mid-Atlantic by a broadside cannon barrage from a Regent Seven Seas Cruises destroyer
  • Oct. 10, 2000: Elation becomes the third Carnival cruise ship to be destroyed by a falling meteor
  • June 12, 2004: The Carnival Glory capsizes and sinks after everyone rushes port side to see a dolphin hopping in and out of the water
  • Aug. 10, 2009: The Carnival Legend notices too late that it’s about to go over a really big waterfall!
  • Apr. 18, 2013: Emerging from port for the first time since its docking, the entire Carnival cruise ship Triumph spontaneously bursts into flames
  • June 28, 2091: The navigational system aboard the Carnival StarVoyage malfunctions, sending the space cruiser directly into the sun

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